Hello again...
...you might be wondering why I’ve dropped off the face of the earth – and more so, why my face keeps popping back every now and then.
Anyway – Manchester United will win the EPL... but we already knew that. Newcastle United will avoid relegation... but we already knew that too.
But hark – if we already know these things then there must be cash to be made – and indeed I did, on Monday night to be exact on Newcastle. Now – consider, the title race must go ‘to the wire’ and so must the relegation battle... it’s all battles and races in the EPL these days! So – Let us try and fathom a few knock on effects.
I’m still pissed off that Stoke are safe now... Hackett’s Rabid Rottie got a bonio for its trouble. But it’s no big deal as we consider making cash on the run in – let’s assume it’ll end thus:
Top three:
Manchester United
Liverpool
Chelsea
Bottom three:
Middlesborough
Hull
West Brom
And let’s assume it’ll go “right to the wire” both ways...
We’ll start with the Mancs - the mancs will need to be reigned in further. They currently need 4 points to seal it up and their run in is as follows:
Wigan v Man Utd - (Ref:Rob Styles, 4th Official: Andre Marriner)
Now – it is interesting to note that Styles has reffed plenty of Manure and Wigan games not really shown any bias either way (considering the opposition) – his form is thus:
Manc U – W3 D0 L0
Wigan – W1 D2 L0
So... I would plump for a Manu win there – 3 of the 4 points done – Wigan has got nothing to play for and a (3 for 3) deal may be struck here for next season. This is a KEY match as to how the run in will play out – a loss or a draw for the mancs here will affect how the scousers progress... it could be that it’ll go to goal difference on the last day of the season between Liverpool and Man Utd – but that is a risky strategy and one that I can’t see SAF agreeing to follow. If no deal is on the table (doubt it – especially after hearing the managers interviews this morning on TalkShite - “honesty” was the keyword... whatever!) - It will be interesting to see if Marriner lets them kick the crap out of Man Utd in the run up to the next fixture... maybe also a sending off for a key Man U player to stretch the team midweek?
Man Utd v Arsenal - (Ref: Mike Dean, 4th Official: Andre Marriner)
Hmm... the grudge match – and Marriner again! Next season I’m setting up a database of 4th official (and linesmen) data with outcomes as the 4th official choice is often a giveaway... this season my records show that Marriner hasn’t reffed a Manc game – anyhoo... The reptilian Mike Dean snakes his way onto the theatre stage in this game and he has reffed a few games for both teams – his form is:
Manc U – W1 D1
Arsenal – W2 D1
But this includes draws for both teams against the scum (Dean loves the scum... well the twitchy, lazy-eyed spiv in charge to be precise) and a narrow squeak of a manure win of 4-3 against Hull. The Arsenal win was 4-0 against Blackburn (at the time when Paul Ince was being ‘given the hint’ along with Ramos) and a 1-2 mugging of Chelsea (you remember RvP’s offside? Scolari was also being ‘given the hint’ at this stage in the season). I think Dean will stick to the script with this one and it’ll play out to an Arsenal win... this would be a double win for the bookies too considering that the cash will be stacked on the mancs following Dowd’s blatant theft and Arsenal’s meek capitulation at the weekend (we can’t complain at the result as we mugged Chelsea earlier on in the season – but we can complain at the lack of effort)... but really – do the sums – Mancs playing 3 games in a week and facing an Arsenal who’ll be rested after not trying in the game at the weekend, a week off and *hopefully* being allowed to play – done deal no? Well - it would be but I remember the reverse fixture when Man Utd layed down at the grove... it could be another 3 for 3 'done deal' as SAF and Wenger have been quite chummy recently. If this is correct, and the powers that be know this, then the Wigan game will have to play out very differently indeed. Buyer beware!
Hull v Man Utd - (Ref: Unknown, 4th Official: Unknown)
Ohh - just how fucking exciting, Manure need to draw/win to get the title and Hull need to win to avoid relegation... Bye bye Phil Brown – cue pictures of SAF waving his tin cup and the smug, oily lady boy kissing his own reflection in it.
OK – now onto Liverpool :
West Brom v Liverpool – (Ref: Martin Atkinson, 4th Official: Mike Riley)
Remember – the title ‘race’ need to go to the wire - lump on Liverpool.
Liverpool v Tottenham- (Ref: Unknown, 4th Official: Unknown)
Interesting... I reckon that Liverpool will get shafted in the 90th minute – or some such other anti climax... that would be the most profitable outcome for all concerned – but I’ll wait and see.
Chelsea:
It’s still feasible for Chelsea to win it on GD if the Mancs loose all three of their games... fat chance – the Chavs will instead focus on the Fuck All cup to claim the zinc plated double.
OK – that’s a sneak peek into my current thoughts for the title race – now let’s sink to the bottom of the pond and squeeze the real shit though our fingers:
Newcastle:
Newcastle v Fulham – (Ref: Howard Webb, 4th Mike Jones)
Fulham are IMO dodgy as fuck this season i.e. random to the point of extreme improbability... I can only assume that they cut a deal in the run in last season (after the Egyptian dropped his case against the crown) to do whatever they were told (this season) and avoid the drop... combine this with the spider man and you have a Newcastle point!
Aston Villa v Newcastle - (Ref: Unknown, 4th Official: Unknown)
Let’s wait until the Ref’s are announced and decide then – if they need any points at this stage to stay up then no doubt they will get them.
Middlesbrough:
Middlesbrough require 2 wins on the bounce to have a chance of staying up – but only if Sunderland/Newcastle can do them a favour and take consecutive defeats... Sunderland have been targeted since our hero Roy Keane waved the script in front of your confused and incredulous eyes earlier on this season. The collective reckoned that his resignation might save them – but THB – we dunno?! Sunderland face Pompey away and Chavski at home – so the first of those fixtures might be revealing as to the ‘brough’s fate... but – if I were managing either Sunderland or Pomey – I would agree a draw and exchange the valuable points regardless of which way the ref’s whistle is blowing... the players would certainly be up for it I’m sure.
Middlesbrough v Aston Villa (Mike Riley / Lee Mason):
Riley’s form:
Middlesbrough - W0 D0 L2
Aston Villa - W1 D1 L1
This would be a really good time for Middlesbrough to get all three points to tighten things up at the bottom... but I doubt it’ll happen to be honest as they are just too shit.
West Ham v Middlesbrough:
The ‘brough go down.
Hull – go on, let’s have a look at Hull as it’s funny:
Bolton v Hull (Peter Walton / Chris Foy):
Walton’s form is thus:
Hull - W1 D1 L0
Bolton - W0 D0 L2
So make of that what you will... I would like to see a loss – but it really depends on what is planned for the Newcastle game – bear in mind that considering their goal difference is fucked - it must be mathematically feasible for Hull to stay up come 16:00 on the 24th May.
Hull v Man Utd:
Hull bent over and fucked like tuppeny whores... I would steer clear of the HT/FT Manc/Manc bet though as Hull might get the run of play in the first half to make it ‘interesting’ and really... yawn – exciting?!
It’s a fun little game trying to second guess the results and the EPL – but first you must find the script... try it for yourself – decide who is likely to finish where and why then see if you can then work out how it will be achieved.
So anyway – why did I drop off the face of the earth... and what of our beloved Arsenal!?
I have moved far, far away to a place some 130 miles from my beloved Dubaibury... I quit my dreadful job at the end of last year, moved the wife and kids out and up to her parents in Hereford and set about a total refurbishment of my flat in Holloway... it was a lot of hard work – but luckily I am a DIY god. Three months later and here I am – the flat finished in oak, granite, sisal and tasteful neutral colours with a lovely New Zealand couple moved in with a Swedish girl happily paying the extortionate rent charges... they are all designers of a sort – graphic, interior and fashion. They even asked if I minded if they wanted to redecorate in the future – with my permission on colour schemes of course... do tenants get any better than this I wonder?
Over the last two weekends I landscaped the overgrown garden for them as a gesture of my desire that they stay for ever... when I go back to watch the Stoke game – I’m going to put in some raised beds so they can grow vegetables, growing your own must be trendy at the moment... although after a 5 minute chat with them expressing their interest I am confident that it’ll be more luck than judgement if they reap a harvest... I’ll stick in some courgettes and artichokes I think – so at least they’ll have something.
Hereford is nice... there is a thing called a horizon of which I am unused to seeing and a lot of green stuff. I have a plot of land to work and I have started well – I have planted extensively and everything is coming up – carrots, courgettes, pumpkins, squashes, beetroot, shallots, onions, leeks, spring onions, radish, lettuce, celeriac, beans, peas, potatoes, tomatoes... even the apricot tree that I dug up from London is showing signs of rude health – I doubt it will produce anything for a few years now because of the shock... or ever – because of the harsh winters here. But we shall see.
There is no internet or phone signal where we are staying – this may change in future... maybe not. I’ll need to watch the football – so it’ll be either Sky or broadband?!
I have also landed on my feet work wise – in the most sparsely populated county in England with the least opportunities for work in IT and at the cusp of a global depression; I managed to land a job within a week of finishing the flat and moving up north, 5 miles away in a company that is showing signs that it could also buck the global downturn to some degree or other... we are the middlemen that sit between the ambulance chasers and the medical practitioners. Been in a car crash? Had an accident at work?
My software may well be processing your details in the future... these are hard times and it seems to me that Joe Prole will be looking to game his accident to a maximum settlement – hence we are busier than ever – taking our cut at every turn.
I used to hate work and offices – but I’m making a go of this one... last year I was going to give up IT and do something else. The problem is that I’m good at it and it’s an easy gig... and now I have a job where I’m given control over my projects I’m starting to enjoy it again. New world, new life – as they say – and I have moved on in many ways... I have learned from my mistakes and I have a midterm plan for success.
I while back I had an exchange of ideology with the Joker in which I stated the following:
Aims:
To establish a healthy cynicism and promote discussion among, and empower, The Target Demographic relating to The Subject Domain. To engender permission, with regards to freedom of thought and perception of realities, engineer incredulity, cultural change and establish reality-value within the scope of The Subject Domain.
The Target Demographic:
The working class, the hoi polloi, the undervalued and exploited, the football fan, the casual punter, the Sun reader, the man on the street, the bloke down the pub, the lambrusco grapevine, the unter-zeitgeist, the passive majority.
The Subject Domain:
At its core The Subject Domain is the corruption of man, this near biblical scope is not only vast but it represents a constant Theme in terms of what is perceived as 'the social contract' pertaining to inherited notions of mortality and/or divinity. It is the assumption of the Target Demographic that this Theme is valid, and abided by those in power, that must be questioned. It is also the validity of the notion of power within this Theme, the privileges and the associated abuse that this power provides that also must be placed in the spotlight of the Aims of this project and brought to question by The Target Demographic.
The Holistic Scope:
Before we get into specifics it is worth considering the abstracts as concept i.e. where will the Aims of this project and the system to achieve them sit within The Holistic Scope? It is only with one eye focused on the abstract or 'ideal' horizon can we have any faith in the Aims being 'valid'. It is worth considering the words of the sociologist Jean Baudrillard:
"opposition to global hegemony can only be unpredictable – total revolt is a response to total order."
It is this "double or nothing game" that generates the homogenous complicity between the slave and master (beast and keeper) and nullifies the perception of hope for change as a relevant value. It is clear that 'total revolt' is an undesirable outcome within the scope of The Subject Domain; the road to ruin is littered with revolution and destruction of what is established leads only to reestablishment of what must be destroyed – the same mistakes repeated, you may as well burn books. What we have we must live with but it is not true that we must live with all of it forever, if what we have become requires change then we must work within the structure of what exists, take the wheel of the tanker and turn it slowly towards the ever changing horizon of what is best for humanity balanced and juxtaposed with what is best for our human nature. The yoke that we have made for ourselves must be slackened a fraction at a time or the beast that is man, bewildered by actual 'choice', may turn on his master and bolt. We must understand, or at least have some awareness, of our nature and our place in the natural world if we are to tame ourselves accordingly, only then can we hang up the reigns of power.
The Atomistic Imperative:
Given the vastness of The Subject Domain and the desire to avoid 'total revolt' the lens of the Aims must be focused on a sphere of relevance within the Target Demographic i.e. the beautiful game - football. Association football, like the 'social contract', is a pan-global phenomenon that has grown from, and fused with, the culture of The Target Demographic; it has clear rules and, in its uncorrupted form, transcends societal opiates such as the 'bread and circuses' spectacle of what passes for contemporary 'entertainment'. Football is, in its sphere, both vast and defined. It has become the archetypal 'common ground' and therefore represents a metaphorical fulcrum with which to weigh the Aims of this project with the conscience of the 'common man'. Football, more importantly, is also 'fixed'.
Unfortunately we disagreed on the means and methods of our project to bring our grandiose scheme to fruition... the Joker is a complex chap who continually stokes the fires of his own internally raging hypocritical battles – it would be easy for me to criticise and attempt to pejoratively deconstruct his psyche in the manner that Dr. Who might use his sonic screwdriver to deconstruct a Dalek and reveal the soft repulsive creature at its core – but that would be cheap and devaluing... as we are all, at our core, human – and this is the one thing that he could never see... it seems that irony always lives in search of its own tail.
As for me and my midterm plan – well... I’m getting on with life – I’ve made a decision to stop getting in the face of everyone around me whom I judge to be an arsehole – after all, we are all arseholes in the defined narrow contexts of those who judge us. I am a slave to this hateful world of economic value and consumerism and it’s time I accepted it – freedom can never be bought but ends must first be met before they can be realised... and the splinter must first get into the mind before it can prick the conscience.
Of course I’ll still be my ever arsey Arsenal arsehole self right here as and when I find the time to post... I wear a suit to work now – even though I don’t have to – and I shave regularly with my ancient eco-friendly open razor. Clothes maketh the man but only in the eyes of others – if you cut your hair wear the uniform and speak with the right accent, you can be anything you want to be... it really is that simple. Right now I have on a cornflower blue tie (with full Windsor), sharp suit, shiny shoes and my hair is of an acceptable length... armed with these things, the corporate ladder doesn’t seem so steep... but rest assured – I will never be the Milgram patsy – the suit is a uniform that I can drop as easily as my alter ego - the world needs people with a conscience positioned strategically if the oil tanker of human folly is ever to be steered from disaster. It’s too late for me to make any real difference – but every little helps... it may not, however, be too late for you.
On to the Arsenal!
Well... what a season we have had – and what a letdown! Wenger has been keeping his head down and showing that he can obey the script... will it buy him favours? Will Arsenal be allowed to compete? I would say this is a Kroenke influence to grease the wheels and palms for future seasons... but resulting in some uninspiring and confusing 'football' for the fans who are used to some passion from their team – and anyway, just how many seasons have we left in this shitty little league anyway? They are already lining up Glasgow, Celtic and Cardiff to replace us!
Arshavin, it seems, is better that I thought he would be and it is yet to be seen if he is a 'bargaining chip' from Usmanov and the Gazprom Mafiosi... his price in retrospect appears to be a 'snip'... strings have to be attached - and what's the deal with the board and the Lady Bracewell-Smith? Jabba has been toadying around her for some time now... and she has some shares to sell..
Which brings us on to the next bit - Usmanov and Kroenke? Ding fucking ding!
You ever see the 'two tribes' video from Frankie goes to Hollywood? It'll be something like that... with Wenger on the Microphone and Scudamore, Hackett + the PGMO (and the bookies) standing around in a suited up circle cheering on a winner:
Click
Yeah – that about sums it up... See you at Stoke game for the party boys - I'll meet you in the Chapman for a pint!?
