Every little gesture... told a little truth

Now... when a topic gets onto The Sun discussion board: "Do you reckon the Arsenal v Hull game last night was fixed?" you have to ask yourself... are people starting to twig?

 

OF COURSE IT WAS FIXED!

 

But that's just my humble opinion... this was an interesting game with a dynamic that I managed to predict in the pub pre-match when I found out that it was Riley as the ref and Dean as the fourth official - let me explain. 

 

There was only going to be one winner of this match and that was Arsenal - this is not just that we are a better team than Hull, as that matters not with officials like these - it was because Hull v Chelsea at Wembley for the semi final is a nailed on bore-fest Chav win... this would be bad for the bookies and this would be bad for Setanta... and the FA.  Where as a Arsenal v Chelsea at Wembley would basically be a licence to print money... it would still be a nailed on Chav win as I can't see us getting a fair match but for your average punter this is much more spectacular event... which would be made even more attractive if, perhaps, Chelsea underperformed in the league in the run up?

 

Let's see what the aforementioned Dean gives them tomorrow against Tottenham... will he send off Drogba?  It's almost worth a flutter.

 

Aside aside - that's not the whole story - the mug money for the Arsenal v Hull game was on Arsenal/Arsenal HT/FT as Arsenal (to win) was only offering 1.34 odds wise (on which I lumped on).  The HT/FT bet was offering close to 2.0 pre-match which was far more attractive to both the greedy bettor and the greedier bookie.  I said to Decker and PieFace on the walk up to the stadium that Riley would hold us back first half and let us go in the second... again - the choice of Riley/Dean was interesting as it would have also thrown off the pro-punter as they (Dean and Riley) are, in a lot of pro-punters opinion, Arsenal hating cunts - but, to me, the magic of the cup dictated the result of this match a long time ago.

 

So... let us put ourselves in the mind-set of a certain cretin Mr. Phil Brown, manager of Hull.

 

During the first half as Dean was sat down and chatting to the Hull assistant manager and not even watching the action Phil was grinning from ear to ear as Riley gave Hull everything... they could cheat at will and poor Phil was lulled into the premature conclusion that it was 'in the stars' that he would be taking the mighty Tigers to Wembley... perhaps even for the final! Visions of Hull winning the FA cup flashed through his mind with him being lifted aloft in slow motion by a bunch of burly bricklayers in stripey shirts thrusting the worthless piece of tin skywards. 

 

Watch the replays of the first half - his eyes are misty and moist at what he is seeing.

 

The words to Ottawan's D.I.S.C.O were dancing, contextually modified, across his subconscious in a joyous Yorkshire brogue as foul after foul went in in what was basically a replay of Brown's 'genius' tactics in his first visit to the Emirates... nothing like a 'fair game' eh Phil?

 

Who would blame him for thinking, as the half time whistle blew that this one was 'in the bag'...

 

...but not just him - all over the country the in-play betting market was hotting up.

 

The genius, Phil Brown, in his half time talk obviously failed to spot the inevitability of the situation he would be leading his team into in the second half - an inevitability that, incidentally, a bunch of beered up cynical geezers in the Herbert Chapman sussed out about 1 hour previously.  'It's in the bag lads - more of the same, get stuck into them' - was obviously among the pearls of wisdom dispensed.

 

In the second half Dean stopped socialising and paid far more attention to the game... Riley seemed to have found his contact lenses at half time too and popped them in with miraculous effect.

 

When forced to actually play football Hull are shown up for exactly what they are... i.e. shit.

 

I lost count of the number of yellows that were dished out - it was clear that Riley was looking to send one of them off and Phil, god bless him, made a few tactical substitutions - Riley also flipped out a few random yellow cards for the Arsenal players too, y'kow - just to keep up appearances.

 

The Gallas goal was offside to me - but fuck it, if we'd have had a fair game for 90 minutes it would have been 4-0... I know Wenger claims that the goalie got a fist to it but - nah, offside as anything.

 

It was at this point that the media-savy genius permatan sharp-suited tiger tie celebrity Phil Brown's dreams evaporated and he made possibly the most massive fuckup of his managerial career and in the post match interview 'tittle tattled' to the media his grievances regarding Arsene Wenger and Cesc Fabregas.  Let's ignore the fact that half of what he said was immediately proven to be a bare faced lie and the other half totally unprovable and instead try to fathom the man's motivations in doing this?  In the second interview he gave to a radio station he maintains his stance as his voice literally breaks under the stress at realisation of the enormity of the fuckup he is making.  How can I possibly be angry with him... he's basically just cut off his cock to spite his balls.  Politically this is going to reflect very badly... a manager who cannot be trusted keep his mouth firmly shut about some of the unsavoury realities of the game is not welcome in the EPL.  Think Keane, think Scolari... think Brown.

 

A smug Hull spokesman said yesterday that he was proud that the FA were investigating this (like they were taking it seriously) - today the FA issue Phil with a fine for being a twat in a previous game... the writing is on the wall mate - Arsenal may have fallen out of favour with the game of late but we are still a big pull - Hull, on the other hand, are on a par with pond life with a liability for a manager.

 

Still, if all else fails, the 'cringing embarassment' Phil Brown might get a gig on 'A Question of Sport' as a captain... and he can while away his permatan sharp-suited tiger-tie days wondering where it all went wrong and flirting with that bint who used to play tennis... if would be fitting.

 

Hull relegated... well - I wouldn't bet against it now.

 

Onto the CL draw... what can I say other that Result!  Given that all draws are fixed this bodes well for our chances... although there is now the possibility of a Liverpool v Arsenal final... hmm.

I feel your fists and I know it's out of love

Well... I suppose that I should at least try and write a few things while I'm waiting for the Fonz to duly strap on his water-skis and prepare for this seasons grand finale of EPL-Enders.

Happy days!

I'm going to start by slagging of TalkSport - what a pile of shite... I have been refurbishing my flat and I, bored with painting, decided to find some company in a portable radio - y'know, like a proper prole. I tell you what the torrent of shite that that station puts out is beyond my comprehension - is it a comedy? Is it Parody? Surely... it can't be serious!?

Yesterdays discussions revolved around horse racing tips and a debate on 'how dare those dirty towel heads diss our brave lads'. Then Wrighty came on with this horrible fucking sidekick and talked even more shit... there was a 'what's your favourite computer font' phone in!? Today the action revolved around the Arsenal fans in Rome getting a pasting on the bus... and more horse racing tips - the morning session was all about the dirty I-ties; where as the afternoon session discussed how shit Arsenal were and whether the Arsenal fans were asking for it (a stabbing) - the phone in was 'now you know the facts, are Arsenal fans cunts?' - the justification for this was based on an Italian policeman falling over as an Arsenal fan escaped arrest and subsequent beating in the back of the van... there were no callers unsurprisingly and they moved on to Sepp Blatter and how dare he dictate to us how to play football!

This debate was revealing... particularly with the ambitious sidekick to Wrighty carefully dictating the script in his cockney-wanker 'bloke down the pub' manner. Apparently Sepp has dismissed goal line technology as he wants people to play football - not machines - or something. This was carefully whipped into a Sun meets Daily Mail outrage and spun in a rumplestiltskinesque manner into a debate on how it would be OK if we had an extra helper for the ref on the goal line to keep an eye on the ball rather than a pesky machine - it's poor circuits couldn't keep up with a fast moving ball, apparently, and this was backed up by an email from 'Steve' who reckoned that it wouldn't work. And a few more emails from stooges claiming that a bit of controversy made football interesting and we would have nothing to talk about if the correct refereeing decisions were made all the time. Wrighty just nodded along like a Muppet.

This, of course, is utter fucking bollocks... an extra man to check the goal line and help with penalty decisions simply adds another opportunity for corruption i.e. you can't give an apple mac a backhander and ask it to look the other way in the same way that you can't take a PS3 out, get him laid and then threaten to tell his missus if he didn't make the 'right' decisions in a specified match.

But lets skip back the record to the Roma vs Arsenal game... I'm not sure about you but I suspected foul play (actually it was pretty blatant). The Ref was alright... but Roma... tell me this - how can a team with an average age in it's thirties and carrying several injuries play football for two hours straight and then suddenly start bouncing around like spring lambs? Totti - the cunt - played extra time whilst chewing fucking gum!! ColonelDecker reckons that after 90 minutes the camera panned to the Roma team and the phisio was handing out bottles that they just downed before pulling a face and gurning before the camera flicked away again. When it came to the end of extra time the Arsenal team (with an average age in its early twenties) where on their backs panting and cramping up while the Roma lot were all grinding their teeth and jigging about to an imaginary Kylie tune.

Still justice was done and what an experience for the team to get through... Roma - you tried your best, then cheated and still failed - fuck you.

I couldn't watch the penalties - I just downed my pint and left the Chapman, came home and watched the text stream from the BBC Sport site whist eating a toasted cheese and white onion sandwich... sad - it would have been nice to be in the pub with the fans when Tonetto skied it. Not watching penalties now is officially 'lucky'.

I wouldn't have liked to have been one of the Roma team this morning... waking up in a puddle of cold sweat, paranoid with a minging head and a cock that had shrunk to the size of an acorn... it serves them right.

Fucking losers.

I'm going to skip back now a bit further to the first leg when Roma came to the Emirates. TalkSport were banging on about how Arsenal fans should have known better than to go down the wrong street and meet the Ultras, etc. and generally apologising for hooliganism and encouraging fans of all teams to beat the shit out of any away fan that may inadvertently stray into their local on match day. And this got me thinking - in the first leg the Ultras came to Holloway - they pretty much had the streets pre-match and I could clearly hear their chants in the roads all around my house for hours before kick-off. They were roaming in packs looking for the Arsenal firm with a stripe painted over their eyes and scarves round their faces - very organised. Post match I considered just sprinting home as I knew that there would be trouble... I'm not a coward but those boys don't fuck about - they are stabby and fight like a military campaign. In the end I ended up down the Herbert Chapman with the boys to discuss how shit Roma were and how we should have got 5 passed them.

Then the shit hit the fucking fan.

There was a noise outside and there were running battles up and down the Holloway road between the Arsenal hooligans and the Ultras... there were probably over 100 people involved in this - ColonelDecker's younger brother went out with KeepTheFaith for a look - I stayed back and made escape plans with the Decker in case it all went wrong. Chairs, bottles and bricks flew past the window and, when they ran out of those, the Ultras turned to my local Turkish green grocer for some slightly less effective missiles.

The Decker's younger brother came running in panting: "It's mental out there the bloke next to me just got hit with a fuckin' pineapple!! He went down with all pineapple marks on his face!"
KeepTheFaith produced a white onion and proudly placed it on the pool table... I don't know if it hit him or he caught it.

We decided to really make some quite serious plans... these involved sticking a quid in the pool table and getting the balls out, retiring to the disabled bogs (our appointed "helms deep") and bracing the door while we made 'scum' style I'm-the-daddy sock'n'pool ball head smackers as a last line of defence.

The Ultras then smashed up the McDonald's... which I quite admired them for - if only for a millisecond... then we realised that they only did it to get the metal pavement furniture to use as shields in an operation to storm the Chapman. Luckily for us it was that flimsy aluminium stuff and just bounced and buckled off the windows - but they had made the ground and set about trying to boot the door in... scary shit. The enormous Polish bouncers on the door did well and gathered everyone in and got the whole thing bolted up as they arrived - we then sat tight and waited for the cavalry to come...

...You would think that at this point the Metropolitan Police would make some sort of an appearance?

Nope... they shat it and, i'm informed, decided to wait around the corner until the SPG turned up 15 fucking minutes later!

The cavalry, when it did come, was in the form of the Arsenal firm who re-took the Chapman in a running battle that could either be described as brave, insane or a fucking good night out - depending on your perspective... actually the Arsenal boys were about as scary as the Ultras - massive fuckers and all of them completely twunted on cocaine. They came in bleeding with broken hands and faces, eyes rolling around their heads carrying a fallen comrade. One of them shouted 'Clean up' and those who required 'cleaning up' dragged the fallen comrade to the bogs. We felt no safer in their presence... there is something in the eyes of fighting men, a mixture of adrenaline, fear and testosterone (and class A's) that just exudes a choking and oppressive air of violence to all those around who had the temerity to be absent from the front line. We listened in as they talked of the battle - it was a hard one for the home team and there had been some stabbings by the sound of it.

Ten minutes later they came out of the bogs - cleaned up of blood, clothes straightened and pressing wads of scarlet bog-roll to their wounds. KeepTheFaith peeked in after they came out and saw over 20 discarded cocaine wraps on the floor... the mobile phones then came out and with much chatter the battle lines were re-drawn. They left as quickly as they came... Ultras too - just before the police turned up.

Why do I pay my taxes again?

Some plain clothes boys then strolled in and took the CCTV film and left - all was quiet... I took the onion home - but not before stopping by the grocers to buy some bits and pieces, some cheese and a couple of cans of red stripe to see me to bed.

None of this was reported... anywhere - but it happened right here in England and in a local Home Fans pub - so TalkSport, get your fucking facts straight and talk about sport for a change eh... otherwise why not just change the name to TalkShit!?

But gravity always wins...

Hello again - it's been a while... but I have been busy. Not so busy that I couldn't come here and speak to you all but... well - I've been thinking and I needed some time out to get my shit straight... I was starting to head in the wrong direction - this season has been so weird, it's thrown me.

So, that is where I have been... in deep thought - but why are you here?

Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it the entire season, that there's something wrong with football. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me.

Do you know what I'm talking about?

First let's talk about Arsenal and the chase for a Champions League spot... what has become clear, and I've blogged it, is that we are being kept back and Villa are being assisted (massively assisted). Villa are shit - they would in mid-table obscurity were it not for the run of referee decisions in their favour over the course of the season. They can score with their hand whilst groining the keeper and get a goal... they can foul at will, not just in the midfield but in and around the penalty area too and be rarely punished... when they played Blackburn, for example, Blackburn had two clear penalties not given? Arsenal... well - we have had it against us and when we deviate from the script we are punished. For example Eboue's perfectly legitimate goal against Tottenham was disallowed and then Eboue was sent off the pitch for:

a) Being the best player on it in a game that I can only assume Dean promised 'Arry he would gift him.
b) Being... shall we say 'uppity' - yes, that's the right word I think in this case.

But, that is not everything... let us, for a moment, examine why this is happening and try to fathom out the cause from the effect. Let's say for example that there is a rapey, murdering, heroin dealing gangster from a place where that don't fuck about when it comes to their gangsters who, despite forking out large quantities of cash to erase his criminal past and being utterly ruthless and greedy and the other such 'qualities' to make it big in the modern world, he still desperately needs to legitimise himself as a businessman... Let's suppose that owning a football team will give you that - and open other doors too.

Let's now suppose that there is a man whos ambitions have no ceiling... this man was involved in the club he loved - but he forgot what football was and played out his fantasies in power, politics and money. Arsenal was his way in - a 'power' club and a personal 'power base' that he was instrumental in creating, a club that gave him connections, influence and favours. He was not only instrumental in creating Arsenal's fortunes but also in the creation of the 'Premier League' - still, he missed the boat with Sky preferring to back ITV to televise the games... he never was a very good businessman - more of a gambler who would be prone to stick it all on red... ironic no? This mans personal ambition lost him his seat on the board of the club he claimed to love.

Like a spurned lover he plotted his return...

These two men need each other - but most of all they need Arsenal.

Ok - so that was a nice little fairy tale but lets have a look of the realities of our 'drop in form' with regards to the ongoing takeover attempt by the Usmanov/Dein run Red & White Holdings vehicle... it's interesting in a number of ways - Red & White have offered a consistent high price for Arsenal shares, even in these 'troubled times', and shareholders who were finding themselves short of a few quid would be getting understandably 'twitchy' to sell at the right time... but if Arsenal were to take a tumble out of the top four then it would seem obvious to me that the double whammy of the economic climate and the drop in form would have a destabilising effect on the share price at Arsenal.

Usmanov is at 25% and counting... 5% more to go.

But how, you say, how just how could this be achieved..? Dein was instrumental in setting up the Premiership and instrumental in getting Scudamore his place in it. Dein has contacts... and friends on the inside who may or may not support his agenda for the club... Mr. Arsenal? In Arsene We Trust? Zenit, Arshavin, Gazprom, Jabba the Hutt?

Where do we fit into this?

As a fan - I'm having second thoughts... but wait - what of Kroneke? I'm not sure about him or what he is up to... he's been bigging up the media/merchandising side and, I'm sure you've noticed, been ramming the Arsenal TV subscriptions and the "It's up for grabs now" memorabilia down our necks all season - which brings me on to the next thing, and I'm trying to keep it short - so I will - bear with me.

You may have noticed that the EPL's climaxes have been steadily more orgasmic with each season... this is the brand that is flagging and desperately needs a 'blue LED' or two slapped on it to keep the punters buying - this season it looks like Manchester United are running away with the title... oh there's the heavily engineered relegation battle and the UEFA cup and Champions League spots to wank over in excitement as it 'goes to the wire' - but this all would be a bit shit (in the eyes of the brainwashed, pill popping monkeys who subscribe to Sky) if Man U won with three games to go... subscriptions might well be cancelled. Not only that but SkyBet and all the other bookmaking entities would be left without the massive influx of mug money that they all budgeted for this season.

So... what to do - what to do...

OK - Manchester United require a fucking for the run-in... ok - job done and let's say, as it's the 20th anniversary of the Hillsborough disaster (and sentimentality sells baby), Liverpool need to get within touching distance of Man U - so more blatant cheating to come there then... that should bring it 'to the wire' but - I think we saw that all before last season with Chelsea didn't we?

Yeah - BOR-ING! We need something else...

...OK - what if we engineer a situation with the fixtures in which the Liverpool V Arsenal match has to be cancelled until the end of the season... let's say the FA cup (give Arsenal an easy run to that point then ensure Chelsea fuck them because Chelsea are going to win it anyway but it'll be a great draw Arsenal v Chelsea @ Wembley followed by the Chelsea v Manchester United clash that was always going to be the final... ahh - the magic of the cup) - but as a backup i.e. if we don't beat Hull (no really, with the pitch tilted in Arsenal's favour Hull are getting beat but just in case the team lay down and score own goals we need a backup) the Liverpool CL game (if they beat Real Madrid) is on the anniversary of the aforementioned Hillsborough disaster and Liverpool request that it gets re-scheduled (when they beat Real Madrid) for a remembrance day or something... yeah like Benitez and the yanks - they give a shit about the fans or the city!?

UEFA are still 'deciding' - (or waiting until Hull are assuredly fucked and Liverpool beat Real Madrid) before making a decision on this... but it is this rather obvious 'backup' plan that made us think... this was a theory that I had been nursing for a while in one way or another and... well - I'll continue.

Still, so - what would be in it for us eh? There's no point in us knocking our pipes out to fuck Liverpool over in the last game in the season simply to gift the title to Man U - so there has to be something tangible in it for us if we win... to make it 'exciting'.

It's 4th spot - obviously... the game would be huge as it would directly engage 4 different and massive fan bases: Arsenal, Aston Villa, Liverpool and Manchester United.

Not only that but Sky could milk the historical significance of the game i.e. 20 years ago to the day (assuming that neither Arsenal or Liverpool make it to the CL final) that Arsenal won the title on goal difference on the last game of the season against Liverpool to further wank-up the frenzy of excitement.

This would not be real in any sense - this would be a facsimile of a title race that, in it's genuine excitement will never be repeated... ever.

Shall we say that Liverpool will need a win to win the title and Arsenal a win to get 4th spot?

Horny... I'm getting hard just thinking about it - aren't you?

This theory was brought to you by the collective... myself and ColonelDecker discussed this scenario in the Herbert Chapman after the Burnley game (I nearly wept when Eboue scored and Eduardo's goal was so damn beautiful) - how we drank overpriced match day beer and laughed at that ridiculousness of it all, to be honest I wouldn't have mentioned it but - today as we were fine tuning it and checking out the fixture list - the fixture list literally changed in front of our eyes:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/teams/a/arsenal/fixtures/default.stm

You will notice, unless they 'fixed it' that the game on the 19th of April is displayed thus:

Sunday, 19 April 2009

Barclays Premier League

Liverpool OFF Arsenal, 16:00

Here's the conversation if you're interested:

DogFace: Decker

ColonelDecker: chow

DogFace: how goes the conspiracy :)

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/teams/l/liverpool/7897769.stm

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/teams/l/liverpool/fixtures/default.stm

ColonelDecker: it all adds up

DogFace: Hmmm.... not quite

if - and it''s a big if the liverpool/arsenal game is postponed to the end of the season - what will we be playing for to wrap up another EPL season in and orgasmic fake climax of cash?

ColonelDecker: 4th

ColonelDecker: they are building up the cost of qualifying

ColonelDecker: just the fact of a midweek last game of the season will create 10x the interest.

ColonelDecker: why has our game on the 19th been called off already?

DogFace: hang on

DogFace: it hasn't...

ColonelDecker: wait a second, why does the bbc fixtures say it's off on the 19th

DogFace: That's under the radar... fuck me - that's just changed, like in the last 5 minutes!

DogFace: it didn't say OFF before!?

ColonelDecker: the 19th is the weekend of the semi's but we are not in the semi's yet

DogFace: I hit refresh and it changed

DogFace: they're watching us...

ColonelDecker: hahaha

ColonelDecker: so if we go out to Hull

ColonelDecker: liverpool and us will be what?

ColonelDecker: scratching our arses for the weekend?

DogFace: hang on - when we playing Hull?

ColonelDecker: Next Tuesday night

ColonelDecker: QF!

DogFace: yeah, right ...SO... why is the game off now?

ColonelDecker:??????????????????????

DogFace: surely they should wait until we beat hull?

ColonelDecker: Maybe we already have

DogFace: shit, I missed it!

DogFace: hahahha

DogFace: and Liverpool have to beat Real or hang on

DogFace: yeah, to get their game postponed to the 15th of april to double ensure that the Liverpool/Arsenal game is knocked on

DogFace: Hull are getting fucked my son! no two ways about it! lump the fuck on!

ColonelDecker: leg 1 CLQF 7/8 Apr

ColonelDecker: Leg 2 14/15th

ColonelDecker: Semi Leg1 apr 28/29

ColonelDecker: semi leg 2 may 5/6

ColonelDecker: final 27 may

DogFace: is there any chance that we could get Liverpool if we went to the final?

ColonelDecker: yes

ColonelDecker: any one can draw anyone after this round

DogFace: I think we're onto something man - we need to dig a bit... you really think it'll be a battle for 4th?

ColonelDecker: what else would it be?

DogFace: Liverpool for the title?

ColonelDecker: it would be impossible to make up 15pts in 10 games

DogFace: only for us to fuck them

ColonelDecker: what if liverpool have to win 2-0 against us to win the league?????

DogFace: it's possible...

ColonelDecker: on goal difference

DogFace: in that case we could get fucked.

DogFace: NO, Wait!

DogFace: us for 4th spot

DogFace: Liverpol for the league

ColonelDecker: they'd have to make up 10 goals on United

DogFace: head to head

ColonelDecker: 2pts behind

ColonelDecker: must win

DogFace: yes

ColonelDecker: ooooooooooh!

DogFace: spectacular enough?

ColonelDecker: its got me exited

DogFace: I have the horn

ColonelDecker: I can see the build up now

DogFace: me too - they can milk this and have enough left over to make some fucking cheese!

ColonelDecker: 'FERGIE IN TACTICAL CHAT WITH WENGER AFTER OLD TRAFFORD DEFEAT'

ColonelDecker: How much will Hansen etc be charging for exclusive interviews???

DogFace: oh my - quite a lot I would think... and just reward for him to for all the bullshit and misinformation he's shat through our screens over the years

ColonelDecker: exactomondo! ;-)

DogFace: it's up for grabs now Hansen!!!

Of course this is all just a theory... we could be wrong - we often are... it wears me out - this fake plastic league.