So, that is where I have been... in deep thought - but why are you here?
Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it the entire season, that there's something wrong with football. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me.
Do you know what I'm talking about?
First let's talk about Arsenal and the chase for a Champions League spot... what has become clear, and I've blogged it, is that we are being kept back and Villa are being assisted (massively assisted). Villa are shit - they would in mid-table obscurity were it not for the run of referee decisions in their favour over the course of the season. They can score with their hand whilst groining the keeper and get a goal... they can foul at will, not just in the midfield but in and around the penalty area too and be rarely punished... when they played Blackburn, for example, Blackburn had two clear penalties not given? Arsenal... well - we have had it against us and when we deviate from the script we are punished. For example Eboue's perfectly legitimate goal against Tottenham was disallowed and then Eboue was sent off the pitch for:
a) Being the best player on it in a game that I can only assume Dean promised 'Arry he would gift him.
b) Being... shall we say 'uppity' - yes, that's the right word I think in this case.
But, that is not everything... let us, for a moment, examine why this is happening and try to fathom out the cause from the effect. Let's say for example that there is a rapey, murdering, heroin dealing gangster from a place where that don't fuck about when it comes to their gangsters who, despite forking out large quantities of cash to erase his criminal past and being utterly ruthless and greedy and the other such 'qualities' to make it big in the modern world, he still desperately needs to legitimise himself as a businessman... Let's suppose that owning a football team will give you that - and open other doors too.
Let's now suppose that there is a man whos ambitions have no ceiling... this man was involved in the club he loved - but he forgot what football was and played out his fantasies in power, politics and money. Arsenal was his way in - a 'power' club and a personal 'power base' that he was instrumental in creating, a club that gave him connections, influence and favours. He was not only instrumental in creating Arsenal's fortunes but also in the creation of the 'Premier League' - still, he missed the boat with Sky preferring to back ITV to televise the games... he never was a very good businessman - more of a gambler who would be prone to stick it all on red... ironic no? This mans personal ambition lost him his seat on the board of the club he claimed to love.
Like a spurned lover he plotted his return...
These two men need each other - but most of all they need Arsenal.
Ok - so that was a nice little fairy tale but lets have a look of the realities of our 'drop in form' with regards to the ongoing takeover attempt by the Usmanov/Dein run Red & White Holdings vehicle... it's interesting in a number of ways - Red & White have offered a consistent high price for Arsenal shares, even in these 'troubled times', and shareholders who were finding themselves short of a few quid would be getting understandably 'twitchy' to sell at the right time... but if Arsenal were to take a tumble out of the top four then it would seem obvious to me that the double whammy of the economic climate and the drop in form would have a destabilising effect on the share price at Arsenal.
Usmanov is at 25% and counting... 5% more to go.
But how, you say, how just how could this be achieved..? Dein was instrumental in setting up the Premiership and instrumental in getting Scudamore his place in it. Dein has contacts... and friends on the inside who may or may not support his agenda for the club... Mr. Arsenal? In Arsene We Trust? Zenit, Arshavin, Gazprom, Jabba the Hutt?
Where do we fit into this?
As a fan - I'm having second thoughts... but wait - what of Kroneke? I'm not sure about him or what he is up to... he's been bigging up the media/merchandising side and, I'm sure you've noticed, been ramming the Arsenal TV subscriptions and the "It's up for grabs now" memorabilia down our necks all season - which brings me on to the next thing, and I'm trying to keep it short - so I will - bear with me.
You may have noticed that the EPL's climaxes have been steadily more orgasmic with each season... this is the brand that is flagging and desperately needs a 'blue LED' or two slapped on it to keep the punters buying - this season it looks like Manchester United are running away with the title... oh there's the heavily engineered relegation battle and the UEFA cup and Champions League spots to wank over in excitement as it 'goes to the wire' - but this all would be a bit shit (in the eyes of the brainwashed, pill popping monkeys who subscribe to Sky) if Man U won with three games to go... subscriptions might well be cancelled. Not only that but SkyBet and all the other bookmaking entities would be left without the massive influx of mug money that they all budgeted for this season.
So... what to do - what to do...
OK - Manchester United require a fucking for the run-in... ok - job done and let's say, as it's the 20th anniversary of the Hillsborough disaster (and sentimentality sells baby), Liverpool need to get within touching distance of Man U - so more blatant cheating to come there then... that should bring it 'to the wire' but - I think we saw that all before last season with Chelsea didn't we?
Yeah - BOR-ING! We need something else...
...OK - what if we engineer a situation with the fixtures in which the Liverpool V Arsenal match has to be cancelled until the end of the season... let's say the FA cup (give Arsenal an easy run to that point then ensure Chelsea fuck them because Chelsea are going to win it anyway but it'll be a great draw Arsenal v Chelsea @ Wembley followed by the Chelsea v Manchester United clash that was always going to be the final... ahh - the magic of the cup) - but as a backup i.e. if we don't beat Hull (no really, with the pitch tilted in Arsenal's favour Hull are getting beat but just in case the team lay down and score own goals we need a backup) the Liverpool CL game (if they beat Real Madrid) is on the anniversary of the aforementioned Hillsborough disaster and Liverpool request that it gets re-scheduled (when they beat Real Madrid) for a remembrance day or something... yeah like Benitez and the yanks - they give a shit about the fans or the city!?
UEFA are still 'deciding' - (or waiting until Hull are assuredly fucked and Liverpool beat Real Madrid) before making a decision on this... but it is this rather obvious 'backup' plan that made us think... this was a theory that I had been nursing for a while in one way or another and... well - I'll continue.
Still, so - what would be in it for us eh? There's no point in us knocking our pipes out to fuck Liverpool over in the last game in the season simply to gift the title to Man U - so there has to be something tangible in it for us if we win... to make it 'exciting'.
It's 4th spot - obviously... the game would be huge as it would directly engage 4 different and massive fan bases: Arsenal, Aston Villa, Liverpool and Manchester United.
Not only that but Sky could milk the historical significance of the game i.e. 20 years ago to the day (assuming that neither Arsenal or Liverpool make it to the CL final) that Arsenal won the title on goal difference on the last game of the season against Liverpool to further wank-up the frenzy of excitement.
This would not be real in any sense - this would be a facsimile of a title race that, in it's genuine excitement will never be repeated... ever.
Shall we say that Liverpool will need a win to win the title and Arsenal a win to get 4th spot?
Horny... I'm getting hard just thinking about it - aren't you?
This theory was brought to you by the collective... myself and ColonelDecker discussed this scenario in the Herbert Chapman after the Burnley game (I nearly wept when Eboue scored and Eduardo's goal was so damn beautiful) - how we drank overpriced match day beer and laughed at that ridiculousness of it all, to be honest I wouldn't have mentioned it but - today as we were fine tuning it and checking out the fixture list - the fixture list literally changed in front of our eyes:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/teams/a/arsenal/fixtures/default.stm
You will notice, unless they 'fixed it' that the game on the 19th of April is displayed thus:
Sunday, 19 April 2009
Barclays Premier League
Here's the conversation if you're interested:
DogFace: Decker
ColonelDecker: chow
DogFace: how goes the conspiracy :)
ColonelDecker: it all adds up
DogFace: Hmmm.... not quite
if - and it''s a big if the liverpool/arsenal game is postponed to the end of the season - what will we be playing for to wrap up another EPL season in and orgasmic fake climax of cash?
ColonelDecker: 4th
ColonelDecker: they are building up the cost of qualifying
ColonelDecker: just the fact of a midweek last game of the season will create 10x the interest.
ColonelDecker: why has our game on the 19th been called off already?
DogFace: hang on
DogFace: it hasn't...
ColonelDecker: wait a second, why does the bbc fixtures say it's off on the 19th
DogFace: That's under the radar... fuck me - that's just changed, like in the last 5 minutes!
DogFace: it didn't say OFF before!?
ColonelDecker: the 19th is the weekend of the semi's but we are not in the semi's yet
DogFace: I hit refresh and it changed
DogFace: they're watching us...
ColonelDecker: hahaha
ColonelDecker: so if we go out to Hull
ColonelDecker: liverpool and us will be what?
ColonelDecker: scratching our arses for the weekend?
DogFace: hang on - when we playing Hull?
ColonelDecker: Next Tuesday night
ColonelDecker: QF!
DogFace: yeah, right ...SO... why is the game off now?
ColonelDecker:??????????????????????
DogFace: surely they should wait until we beat hull?
ColonelDecker: Maybe we already have
DogFace: shit, I missed it!
DogFace: hahahha
DogFace: and Liverpool have to beat Real or hang on
DogFace: yeah, to get their game postponed to the 15th of april to double ensure that the Liverpool/Arsenal game is knocked on
DogFace: Hull are getting fucked my son! no two ways about it! lump the fuck on!
ColonelDecker: leg 1 CLQF 7/8 Apr
ColonelDecker: Leg 2 14/15th
ColonelDecker: Semi Leg1 apr 28/29
ColonelDecker: semi leg 2 may 5/6
ColonelDecker: final 27 may
DogFace: is there any chance that we could get Liverpool if we went to the final?
ColonelDecker: yes
ColonelDecker: any one can draw anyone after this round
DogFace: I think we're onto something man - we need to dig a bit... you really think it'll be a battle for 4th?
ColonelDecker: what else would it be?
DogFace: Liverpool for the title?
ColonelDecker: it would be impossible to make up 15pts in 10 games
DogFace: only for us to fuck them
ColonelDecker: what if liverpool have to win 2-0 against us to win the league?????
DogFace: it's possible...
ColonelDecker: on goal difference
DogFace: in that case we could get fucked.
DogFace: NO, Wait!
DogFace: us for 4th spot
DogFace: Liverpol for the league
ColonelDecker: they'd have to make up 10 goals on United
DogFace: head to head
ColonelDecker: 2pts behind
ColonelDecker: must win
DogFace: yes
ColonelDecker: ooooooooooh!
DogFace: spectacular enough?
ColonelDecker: its got me exited
DogFace: I have the horn
ColonelDecker: I can see the build up now
DogFace: me too - they can milk this and have enough left over to make some fucking cheese!
ColonelDecker: 'FERGIE IN TACTICAL CHAT WITH WENGER AFTER OLD TRAFFORD DEFEAT'
ColonelDecker: How much will Hansen etc be charging for exclusive interviews???
DogFace: oh my - quite a lot I would think... and just reward for him to for all the bullshit and misinformation he's shat through our screens over the years
ColonelDecker: exactomondo! ;-)
DogFace: it's up for grabs now Hansen!!!
Of course this is all just a theory... we could be wrong - we often are... it wears me out - this fake plastic league.
