My mother said, to get things done you better not mess with Major Tom

I've discovered something this week... I can use my skills in a way
that interests me - I used to be not very bothered about computers...
it was a job.

The Collective have decided to step up their efforts and get
organised. As the token I.T. Web monkey I volunteered my services to
create a private site to which we can all share our observations and
model what little data we had in a way that might yield results... but
then I got to thinking – why not just leech the data from any number
of existing locations and remodel it in a way that interests us to
give us a platform to base our observations and theories on.

So now, after a few days prodding around, I have managed to hack my
way to all the football statistic data I could possibly imagine.

And I can imagine quite a bit... right down to every kick both ball and shin.

Funny – I never thought I'd be a hacker, but trust me – it's easy...
and the doors appear to be wide open.

I'm also pretty handy with a database, so if we manage to model
anything 'interesting' I'll be sure to let you good people know...

I must get back to it... the season will start soon and there is still
much to be done!

It's going to be an interesting season.

:-)

What a swell party this is...

Well I'm not one to rant and rave but... well – sometimes I have to.

I am fast coming to the conclusion that humanity is, on the whole, is a weak minded species that predominately reacts to stimuli via the predictable mechanism of what is called, through the mechanism of 'received wisdom', 'received wisdom'.

Take me for instance... my mother was a ranter and my father a raver and I rant and rave in reactionary turn...

...they fuck you up, your mum and dad...

...If aliens were to land on our planet (or better still astrally project their perception via a wormhole) they would no doubt be of a superior intelligence - and please; I beseech all deities and personified concepts that there must be a 'superior intelligence' out there somewhere - and look upon us as we look upon dogs... i.e. easy to train depending on breeding, character and upbringing but all, with a little coercion, will fetch a stick for a Scooby snack.

As an aside – whatever happened to stick men, I used to love stick men as a child and making little animated flip books (most of the time during a school lesson). There's a physics book somewhere out there that if you flip all the pages at the corner you will see a stick man furiously wanking... it's probably still in use because - well - the laws of physics don't change and the state education system is so poorly funded. I think they (stick men) sold out with the whole 3D John Woo thing they did on the internet and people just lost interest – the spectacular always destroys the illusion.

...Anyway, contrary to what Hollywood blockbusters tell me I actually wish that aliens would come to earth and rule us as a benevolent parent race thus giving us no choice but to behave ourselves and show us the way to our own best interests – 'one day you can be our equals' they will tell us... and we will at last have something to strive for.

And, as another aside, whatever happened to my childhood... the Tooth Fairy, Father Christmas and god? All gone in a reactionary blink of received wisdom – a reflex action if you will..?

Hey - what we need are alien referees without concepts of status or sex... did they have any of those on Star Trek?

Oh yeah – Data (TNG) - but he was a robot.

If we can't have aliens then I want 'open source' robo-refs please... and an 'open source' robo-establishment and journalists to boot (what better form of democracy) – that way we can spend our lives fucking about and mark our territories by taking a slash up the monolith and squabbling over sex and status in a meritorious and protected bubble – happy days!

...Hmmm...

Right, getting back to the point ...I'll start with childhood and bear with me as this is kind of football related and I reckon if I explain it right it'll be worth reading.

Children are cheerful little animals full of life and packed with the ancient genetic knowledge that has got humanity thus far. I know – I was a child once and now I'm a dad. At certain stages of childhood development new brain functionality kicks in, and if nurtured, will become the predominant reason/decision engine – although it's worth bearing in mind that these engines work from the bottom up and always at the core will be the reptilian base instincts – which is why cheerful little bundles of joy mature into little bastards when the hormones kick in at adolescence.

I am as yet undecided if the layers of what makes me who I am are still layering... I think so as I've still got a lot of shit to figure out – although the gaps between them kicking in are getting longer. If you give up trying to figure shit out then your layers will be so thin that they will make little to no difference as to your intellectual growth and/or retardation.

And this is a good point – intellectual understanding takes us further away from what is real, that being our base instincts and empirical perception; and cast us into that which is not real i.e. the metaphysical 'realities' of society and behaviour. Look at North Korea for example where the personality cult of Kim Jong-il rages on – not through fear (although that is certainly what maintains it) but predominantly though the genuinely felt love of the people for their leader. This is what is real to them – it's all they know... just as you know that it's ridiculous to even think for a second that football at the highest levels is so utterly corrupted that it can barely even be called a competitive sport?

Right?

Remember how gutted you were when you first thought that Father Christmas might not exist? It's the 'bad' thoughts like that you can only push back for so long until you are overwhelmed with the 'evidence' of your perceptions both realised and received... the paths to intellectual folly are infinite and endless but there are some that hold a positive relevance to the pan-human condition – like art and sport... but they can branch, mutate and flower into something quite worthless if focus is lost on their roots – for that which is not real is driven from the collective unconscious i.e. from the top down rather than the individual unconscious (the bottom up). Look at art and sport – what passes for them in this dilapidated society of ours... all paths of virtue will always seemingly branch towards and eventually self-seed themselves in the rich manure of the intellectual pursuit of status, sex, money and individual greed - which again is realised by another of the more self serving and destructive of the mammalian drives – the will to power.

...but again – I'm straying – or am I? Let's look at one little corruption, just one tiny wandering root...

The other day missus DogFace purchased a overpriced consumable item marketed at children – these were intended as a 'treat for the kids' – they were called 'Pony in my pocket' – and in the 'rhyming slang' sense of the phrase – the name is literal. Pony in my pocket consist of a sealed cardboard box containing an anthropomorphosised and overtly sexualised effigy of a horse with a baggie of jelly beans and a sales pamphlet to inform your child of not only the name of the toy their parents have purchased but also what other toys are available and sealed up in those boxes in the shops, just waiting to be discovered... In fact – I do believe that the missus didn't choose these, they were chosen by my 4 y/o from the conveniently placed location that is the toddler eye-level shelf of the local shop.

Pony in my pocket is 1 of (n) to collect... the boxes do not reveal what particular pony is in the box ergo you will have to buy an absolute fuckload of boxes to collect them all... but hey – you get a baggie of jelly beans so it's not all bad... I wonder what the marketing formula is for that?

Oh well - Google didn't yield anything and I'm not a statistician but I reckon that basically – the more there is to collect the chances of you getting one you haven't got will exponentially increase with the more you have... i.e. your brand loyalty will be rewarded with you being ripped off... a bit like betting on Newcastle when Owen starts really.

This is the child's first initiation into the world of gambling with them (or their parents) being sent up as the mug-punter....

...now – let's talk Panini sticker albums.

When I were a lad these were the rage and it's basically the same gig – gambling on football... what the child get's from it is peer status in exchange for money (the outlay in buying the stickers) and networking (the lucrative swaps and transfer market). I only ever bought two packs of Panini stickers but I managed to collect 4 stickers off an entire set... although I never had an album to stick them in. My brother, PieFace, went to a different school to me – with different newsagents and therefore had struck a different vein of worthless swaps – my school had its own swap mountain... and there were stickers to be made as the middleman I can tell you that! My best deal was swapping 1 sticker for one child's entire swapsie bank (circa 60 stickers with many repeats)... it was the one he needed to complete his collection – it was some relegation bound goalie and my brother had 5 of them?!

I was the dealer, the bookie, the middleman... it was easy money (or stickers).

So what was I being set up as then huh? Not the fucking mug that's for sure! There is no conspiracy here to train children's minds and layer their engines of intellectual reason to conform with their social class; it's just a consequence of the intellectual pursuit of money (by the product manufactures) preying on the proto-intellectual pursuit of playground status of the children... thus a new shoot in born to branch from the stem; it stands on the shoulders of virtue as a mistletoe sprouts from the oak – privilege is parasitic in its very nature.

Same old story.

But that's just one tiny root... the EPL's intellectual relationship with the reality of football as a sport can be better expressed by the 'metaphorical comparison by flora' to that of the 'strangler fig'.

You dig?

I mean, when you really look at it, it's all bollocks as if you tried to market an 'already filled in' Panini sticker album no fucker would buy it... entry points and accessibility are everything when you are making your dollar on the comeback.

For instance, our local newsagent also used to sell alongside sticker packs single fags for 5p... so there you go – crank that cunt up to 10 and you basically have the CEO of BAT... so have a think about that – it don't have to be clever or even have any common sense to sit at the reins of power in the seat of privillage – you just have to be born into the right family, go to the right schools and be a total and utter cunt – such is the relevance of economic intellectualism... the more stupid you are – the further you get.

Hey ho.

I watched the news last night... apparently the dirty, bloaty NHS after greedily feasting on our taxes (I'm paraphrasing here) is going to face some belt-tightening in these dark days of ressession. Missus DogFace works in the NHS and she can tell thee that it's a state – it's a death by a 1000 cuts and the BBC are right there, cheek in jowel with the cabinet ministers, pharma companies and the razorblade assuring us that the government is doing its very best and everything will be fine... where she works they can't afford to budget for even the very basics, but I suppose the poor don't count and if the disabled children she works with were worth anything as human beings then they would be with Bupa right? Meanwhile – further up the billing – I'm told that we (Johnny Taxpayer) have a vested interest in the success of Lloyds Bank as we basically gifted it and its chums 100+ billion quid the other week... more bad news for West Brom fans then. Higher still up the news I am informed that a nursery worker took a picture of a toddlers arse.

Now that's some fucking news that I'm chambered to react to... round up a posse of proles and we'll sort this bitch out!

I give up – I really do, when will we rise up and hang our 'leaders' from the lamp posts and do the whole revolution thing like the French? What more possible incentive do we need than what is happening to our society right now?! It wouldn't solve much, I agree, but it would at least make the front page and be a bit of a laugh...

...and while we are on the subject – 80 million for Ronaldo? Is this really about football anymore or merely an exercise in merchandising?

And what about Ronaldo taking Paris Hilton out to celebrate thier own hyper-hyped joint celebrity obscenities – that's the front and back page sewn up then.

I give up - wake up you race of nodding dogs; turn off the TV, read a proper book, listen to some proper music and participate in a proper competition and discuss this things you're not supposed to talk about and well... just grow a fucking spine!

And have you heard, it's in the stars... next July we collide with Mars!?

Well, did you evah?

And in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make

Stone the crows – I didn't see that one coming... Newcastle relegated?  Well I did wonder after the Spiderman robbed them of a point against Fulham if something might be up.

 

It was a horrible moment when I heard that Owen had come on... i.e. this could now go two ways – Owen scores and becomes the darling of the press (*boo*) and Hull and Phil Brown go down (*yay*) – or Owen somehow fails to score (*yay*) and 'someone' makes a packet on the Asian black markets (*boo*) and Newcastle go down (*Hmm...*) and Hull stay up while the theme tune running through "I'm a celebrity manager get me out of here" Phil 'the clown' Brown's head breaks forth to his lips as the final whistle blows (*boo*).

 

Lose/lose for me... too many cooks (or crooks) spoil the nail-biting fairytale... talking of which – at least EuroVision is honest now – it's just a shame that Europe has absolutely no musical taste whatsoever but that's democracy for ya.

 

Chelsea had better win the Fuck-All cup now to bump up my profit margin a bit!

 

Anyhoo... let's have a cosy chat about the Stoke match because there is something I want to get off my chest here right.  Before the match kicked off Tony Pulis had a pop at Arsenal fans and said they were spoiled (translation: 'soft southern bastards') – and he's right, I've been saying it for ages; there is an element of the fanbase who can just fuck off as they shouldn't be there – they pollute the atmosphere and taint the voice of the crowd with pessimism and whinging bollocks.  Example, a creative and excellent move breaks down:

 

"Noo no no – Bentner you cunt get in the box"

 

Some shit-kicker goes through one of our players, studs up while the referee looks the other way:

 

"Stand up to him Denilson you're like fucking Bambi"

 

Some quality passing play in an attempt to break down the standard 'anti-football' of 10 men behind the ball and defend for a draw played by most teams who come to Dubaibury:

 

"shoooot sssSSSHHHHOOOOTTTT – just fucking hoof it!!"

 

You get the picture... we have a young team and they need encouragement yeah – like raising kids, it's all about positive reinforcement for good deeds done – not taking it all for granted and slagging off every mistake... but that's beside the point.

 

Tony Pulis can fuck off – who does that cunt think he is criticising Arsenal fans?  Keep your fucking Stoke nose out of it Pulis!  You don't see Wenger on TV stating that all Stoke fans are dirty, screeching, meat-headed, ignorant shit-kicking animals do you?  No – that's because, as Pulis pointed out, Wenger has class.

 

Let me tell thee a story about the big brave Stoke fans on Sunday – they gathered en-mass before the game and marched past the home fans pubs in the area punching and bottling people randomly.  Now this was BEFORE the match when the families were out – not AFTER the match when the Herd are ready to respond in kind.  I was outside the Herbert Chapman when a crowd outnumbering us over 20-1 marched through us shoving, spilling beer, wind-up chanting and shouting obscenities – nobody responded as it was mostly friends and family fans outside.  They then surrounded us and started throwing beer cans and bottles while some of the Stoke support waded in and landed a few punches at people who were looking the other way at the time.  I was particularly amazed that, men in their 40's and 50's were actually taking some kind of pleasure out of punching women... the lashing out at the man trying to escape carrying his terrified six year old daughter was also as example of the class and courage of your typical stoke fan.

 

The cops turned up and they did a runner... a runner around the block stopping only to gather missiles so they could appear behind the crowd of the before game family and friends crowd again and pelt the shit out of them.

 

After the match – when the Herd had a visible presence and a sentry with a mobile on every corner... they decided to wait for the coach to pick them up from the stadium and go straight home.  

 

Until now I had always considered the phrase 'wife beating northern bastard' to be an outmoded stereotype... alas – in Stoke – it seems it is the norm.

 

Cheers Pulis – your ill conceived outburst got a few women and kids bottled by the cowardly repressed violent misogynistic Stella swilling closet queers you call 'fans', nice one.  Cunt.

 

The game itself was quite fun – the Stoke lot got the piss properly taken out of them and the spoilt children were mostly drowned out by the proper fans.  Wenger got a good reception and it was a good win – what more can I say?  Oh yes – I managed to start a chant going for the first time ever which was nice too... and there was a great moment when Stoke tried to string together a few passes and we cheered each random and uncreative effort before it broke down after 5 passes and we got possession again... at which point we all went 'ooohh'.

 

My favourite game by far this season was the Carling Cup match against Sheffield – it was honest and passionate... and we saw the potential of some players who you know will make a difference in the future... the rest – well, it was pretty much spoiled by the corrupting influences that have taken over this game – the 'negative environment' as Wenger politically calls it.  Maybe next season will be different? Better? Or worse?

 

Oh and as for tonight – well... I'm going to steer clear – but if I really HAD to then I would go with Barcelona on penalties with Ronaldo skying his into row Z and then an extreme  close up of him on his knees crying (so I can happily imagine all the fucking plastic glory hunting manc scum from anywhere but manc-land staring at their telly's going 'Why, Ronnie Why – boo hoo hoo').

 

A fan can dream... a fan can dream.

 

Educateted criminals work within the law

Hello again...

 

...you might be wondering why I’ve dropped off the face of the earth – and more so, why my face keeps popping back every now and then.

 

Anyway – Manchester United will win the EPL... but we already knew that. Newcastle United will avoid relegation... but we already knew that too.

 

But hark – if we already know these things then there must be cash to be made – and indeed I did, on Monday night to be exact on Newcastle. Now – consider, the title race must go ‘to the wire’ and so must the relegation battle... it’s all battles and races in the EPL these days! So – Let us try and fathom a few knock on effects.

 

I’m still pissed off that Stoke are safe now... Hackett’s Rabid Rottie got a bonio for its trouble. But it’s no big deal as we consider making cash on the run in – let’s assume it’ll end thus:

 

Top three:

Manchester United

Liverpool

Chelsea

 

Bottom three:

Middlesborough

Hull

West Brom

 

And let’s assume it’ll go “right to the wire” both ways...

 

We’ll start with the Mancs - the mancs will need to be reigned in further. They currently need 4 points to seal it up and their run in is as follows:

 

Wigan v Man Utd - (Ref:Rob Styles, 4^th Official: Andre Marriner)

 

Now – it is interesting to note that Styles has reffed plenty of Manure and Wigan games not really shown any bias either way (considering the opposition) – his form is thus:

 

Manc U – W3 D0 L0

Wigan – W1 D2 L0

 

So... I would plump for a Manu win there – 3 of the 4 points done – Wigan has got nothing to play for and a (3 for 3) deal may be struck here for next season. This is a KEY match as to how the run in will play out – a loss or a draw for the mancs here will affect how the scousers progress... it could be that it’ll go to goal difference on the last day of the season between Liverpool and Man Utd – but that is a risky strategy and one that I can’t see SAF agreeing to follow. If no deal is on the table (doubt it – especially after hearing the managers interviews this morning on TalkShite - “honesty” was the keyword... whatever!) - It will be interesting to see if Marriner lets them kick the crap out of Man Utd in the run up to the next fixture... maybe also a sending off for a key Man U player to stretch the team midweek?

 

Man Utd v Arsenal - (Ref: Mike Dean, 4^th Official: Andre Marriner)

 

Hmm... the grudge match – and Marriner again! Next season I’m setting up a database of 4^th official (and linesmen) data with outcomes as the 4^th official choice is often a giveaway... this season my records show that Marriner hasn’t reffed a Manc game – anyhoo... The reptilian Mike Dean snakes his way onto the theatre stage in this game and he has reffed a few games for both teams – his form is:

 

Manc U – W1 D1

Arsenal – W2 D1

 

But this includes draws for both teams against the scum (Dean loves the scum... well the twitchy, lazy-eyed spiv in charge to be precise) and a narrow squeak of a manure win of 4-3 against Hull. The Arsenal win was 4-0 against Blackburn (at the time when Paul Ince was being ‘given the hint’ along with Ramos) and a 1-2 mugging of Chelsea (you remember RvP’s offside? Scolari was also being ‘given the hint’ at this stage in the season). I think Dean will stick to the script with this one and it’ll play out to an Arsenal win... this would be a double win for the bookies too considering that the cash will be stacked on the mancs following Dowd’s blatant theft and Arsenal’s meek capitulation at the weekend (we can’t complain at the result as we mugged Chelsea earlier on in the season – but we can complain at the lack of effort)... but really – do the sums – Mancs playing 3 games in a week and facing an Arsenal who’ll be rested after not trying in the game at the weekend, a week off and *hopefully* being allowed to play – done deal no? Well - it would be but I remember the reverse fixture when Man Utd layed down at the grove... it could be another 3 for 3 'done deal' as SAF and Wenger have been quite chummy recently. If this is correct, and the powers that be know this, then the Wigan game will have to play out very differently indeed. Buyer beware!

 

Hull v Man Utd - (Ref: Unknown, 4^th Official: Unknown)

 

Ohh - just how fucking exciting, Manure need to draw/win to get the title and Hull need to win to avoid relegation... Bye bye Phil Brown – cue pictures of SAF waving his tin cup and the smug, oily lady boy kissing his own reflection in it.

 

OK – now onto Liverpool :

 

West Brom v Liverpool – (Ref: Martin Atkinson, 4^th Official: Mike Riley)

 

Remember – the title ‘race’ need to go to the wire - lump on Liverpool.

 

Liverpool v Tottenham- (Ref: Unknown, 4^th Official: Unknown)

 

Interesting... I reckon that Liverpool will get shafted in the 90^th minute – or some such other anti climax... that would be the most profitable outcome for all concerned – but I’ll wait and see.

 

Chelsea:

 

It’s still feasible for Chelsea to win it on GD if the Mancs loose all three of their games... fat chance – the Chavs will instead focus on the Fuck All cup to claim the zinc plated double.

 

OK – that’s a sneak peek into my current thoughts for the title race – now let’s sink to the bottom of the pond and squeeze the real shit though our fingers:

 

Newcastle:

 

Newcastle v Fulham – (Ref: Howard Webb, 4^th Mike Jones)

Fulham are IMO dodgy as fuck this season i.e. random to the point of extreme improbability... I can only assume that they cut a deal in the run in last season (after the Egyptian dropped his case against the crown) to do whatever they were told (this season) and avoid the drop... combine this with the spider man and you have a Newcastle point!

 

Aston Villa v Newcastle - (Ref: Unknown, 4^th Official: Unknown)

Let’s wait until the Ref’s are announced and decide then – if they need any points at this stage to stay up then no doubt they will get them.

 

Middlesbrough:

 

Middlesbrough require 2 wins on the bounce to have a chance of staying up – but only if Sunderland/Newcastle can do them a favour and take consecutive defeats... Sunderland have been targeted since our hero Roy Keane waved the script in front of your confused and incredulous eyes earlier on this season. The collective reckoned that his resignation might save them – but THB – we dunno?! Sunderland face Pompey away and Chavski at home – so the first of those fixtures might be revealing as to the ‘brough’s fate... but – if I were managing either Sunderland or Pomey – I would agree a draw and exchange the valuable points regardless of which way the ref’s whistle is blowing... the players would certainly be up for it I’m sure.

 

Middlesbrough v Aston Villa (Mike Riley / Lee Mason):

 

Riley’s form:

 

Middlesbrough - W0 D0 L2

Aston Villa - W1 D1 L1

 

This would be a really good time for Middlesbrough to get all three points to tighten things up at the bottom... but I doubt it’ll happen to be honest as they are just too shit.

 

West Ham v Middlesbrough:

The ‘brough go down.

 

Hull – go on, let’s have a look at Hull as it’s funny:

 

Bolton v Hull (Peter Walton / Chris Foy):

 

Walton’s form is thus:

 

Hull - W1 D1 L0

Bolton - W0 D0 L2

 

So make of that what you will... I would like to see a loss – but it really depends on what is planned for the Newcastle game – bear in mind that considering their goal difference is fucked - it must be mathematically feasible for Hull to stay up come 16:00 on the 24^th May.

 

Hull v Man Utd:

 

Hull bent over and fucked like tuppeny whores... I would steer clear of the HT/FT Manc/Manc bet though as Hull might get the run of play in the first half to make it ‘interesting’ and really... yawn – exciting?!

 

It’s a fun little game trying to second guess the results and the EPL – but first you must find the script... try it for yourself – decide who is likely to finish where and why then see if you can then work out how it will be achieved.

 

So anyway – why did I drop off the face of the earth... and what of our beloved Arsenal!?

 

I have moved far, far away to a place some 130 miles from my beloved Dubaibury... I quit my dreadful job at the end of last year, moved the wife and kids out and up to her parents in Hereford and set about a total refurbishment of my flat in Holloway... it was a lot of hard work – but luckily I am a DIY god. Three months later and here I am – the flat finished in oak, granite, sisal and tasteful neutral colours with a lovely New Zealand couple moved in with a Swedish girl happily paying the extortionate rent charges... they are all designers of a sort – graphic, interior and fashion. They even asked if I minded if they wanted to redecorate in the future – with my permission on colour schemes of course... do tenants get any better than this I wonder?

 

Over the last two weekends I landscaped the overgrown garden for them as a gesture of my desire that they stay for ever... when I go back to watch the Stoke game – I’m going to put in some raised beds so they can grow vegetables, growing your own must be trendy at the moment... although after a 5 minute chat with them expressing their interest I am confident that it’ll be more luck than judgement if they reap a harvest... I’ll stick in some courgettes and artichokes I think – so at least they’ll have something.

 

Hereford is nice... there is a thing called a horizon of which I am unused to seeing and a lot of green stuff. I have a plot of land to work and I have started well – I have planted extensively and everything is coming up – carrots, courgettes, pumpkins, squashes, beetroot, shallots, onions, leeks, spring onions, radish, lettuce, celeriac, beans, peas, potatoes, tomatoes... even the apricot tree that I dug up from London is showing signs of rude health – I doubt it will produce anything for a few years now because of the shock... or ever – because of the harsh winters here. But we shall see.

 

There is no internet or phone signal where we are staying – this may change in future... maybe not. I’ll need to watch the football – so it’ll be either Sky or broadband?!

 

I have also landed on my feet work wise – in the most sparsely populated county in England with the least opportunities for work in IT and at the cusp of a global depression; I managed to land a job within a week of finishing the flat and moving up north, 5 miles away in a company that is showing signs that it could also buck the global downturn to some degree or other... we are the middlemen that sit between the ambulance chasers and the medical practitioners. Been in a car crash? Had an accident at work?

 

My software may well be processing your details in the future... these are hard times and it seems to me that Joe Prole will be looking to game his accident to a maximum settlement – hence we are busier than ever – taking our cut at every turn.

 

I used to hate work and offices – but I’m making a go of this one... last year I was going to give up IT and do something else. The problem is that I’m good at it and it’s an easy gig... and now I have a job where I’m given control over my projects I’m starting to enjoy it again. New world, new life – as they say – and I have moved on in many ways... I have learned from my mistakes and I have a midterm plan for success.

 

I while back I had an exchange of ideology with the Joker in which I stated the following:

 

Aims:

To establish a healthy cynicism and promote discussion among, and empower, The Target Demographic relating to The Subject Domain. To engender permission, with regards to freedom of thought and perception of realities, engineer incredulity, cultural change and establish reality-value within the scope of The Subject Domain.

 

The Target Demographic:

The working class, the hoi polloi, the undervalued and exploited, the football fan, the casual punter, the Sun reader, the man on the street, the bloke down the pub, the lambrusco grapevine, the unter-zeitgeist, the passive majority.

 

The Subject Domain:

At its core The Subject Domain is the corruption of man, this near biblical scope is not only vast but it represents a constant Theme in terms of what is perceived as 'the social contract' pertaining to inherited notions of mortality and/or divinity. It is the assumption of the Target Demographic that this Theme is valid, and abided by those in power, that must be questioned. It is also the validity of the notion of power within this Theme, the privileges and the associated abuse that this power provides that also must be placed in the spotlight of the Aims of this project and brought to question by The Target Demographic.

 

The Holistic Scope:

Before we get into specifics it is worth considering the abstracts as concept i.e. where will the Aims of this project and the system to achieve them sit within The Holistic Scope? It is only with one eye focused on the abstract or 'ideal' horizon can we have any faith in the Aims being 'valid'. It is worth considering the words of the sociologist Jean Baudrillard:

 

"opposition to global hegemony can only be unpredictable – total revolt is a response to total order."

 

It is this "double or nothing game" that generates the homogenous complicity between the slave and master (beast and keeper) and nullifies the perception of hope for change as a relevant value. It is clear that 'total revolt' is an undesirable outcome within the scope of The Subject Domain; the road to ruin is littered with revolution and destruction of what is established leads only to reestablishment of what must be destroyed – the same mistakes repeated, you may as well burn books. What we have we must live with but it is not true that we must live with all of it forever, if what we have become requires change then we must work within the structure of what exists, take the wheel of the tanker and turn it slowly towards the ever changing horizon of what is best for humanity balanced and juxtaposed with what is best for our human nature. The yoke that we have made for ourselves must be slackened a fraction at a time or the beast that is man, bewildered by actual 'choice', may turn on his master and bolt. We must understand, or at least have some awareness, of our nature and our place in the natural world if we are to tame ourselves accordingly, only then can we hang up the reigns of power.

 

The Atomistic Imperative:

Given the vastness of The Subject Domain and the desire to avoid 'total revolt' the lens of the Aims must be focused on a sphere of relevance within the Target Demographic i.e. the beautiful game - football. Association football, like the 'social contract', is a pan-global phenomenon that has grown from, and fused with, the culture of The Target Demographic; it has clear rules and, in its uncorrupted form, transcends societal opiates such as the 'bread and circuses' spectacle of what passes for contemporary 'entertainment'. Football is, in its sphere, both vast and defined. It has become the archetypal 'common ground' and therefore represents a metaphorical fulcrum with which to weigh the Aims of this project with the conscience of the 'common man'. Football, more importantly, is also 'fixed'.

 

Unfortunately we disagreed on the means and methods of our project to bring our grandiose scheme to fruition... the Joker is a complex chap who continually stokes the fires of his own internally raging hypocritical battles – it would be easy for me to criticise and attempt to pejoratively deconstruct his psyche in the manner that Dr. Who might use his sonic screwdriver to deconstruct a Dalek and reveal the soft repulsive creature at its core – but that would be cheap and devaluing... as we are all, at our core, human – and this is the one thing that he could never see... it seems that irony always lives in search of its own tail.

 

As for me and my midterm plan – well... I’m getting on with life – I’ve made a decision to stop getting in the face of everyone around me whom I judge to be an arsehole – after all, we are all arseholes in the defined narrow contexts of those who judge us. I am a slave to this hateful world of economic value and consumerism and it’s time I accepted it – freedom can never be bought but ends must first be met before they can be realised... and the splinter must first get into the mind before it can prick the conscience.

 

Of course I’ll still be my ever arsey Arsenal arsehole self right here as and when I find the time to post... I wear a suit to work now – even though I don’t have to – and I shave regularly with my ancient eco-friendly open razor. Clothes maketh the man but only in the eyes of others – if you cut your hair wear the uniform and speak with the right accent, you can be anything you want to be... it really is that simple. Right now I have on a cornflower blue tie (with full Windsor), sharp suit, shiny shoes and my hair is of an acceptable length... armed with these things, the corporate ladder doesn’t seem so steep... but rest assured – I will never be the Milgram patsy – the suit is a uniform that I can drop as easily as my alter ego - the world needs people with a conscience positioned strategically if the oil tanker of human folly is ever to be steered from disaster. It’s too late for me to make any real difference – but every little helps... it may not, however, be too late for you.

 

On to the Arsenal!

 

Well... what a season we have had – and what a letdown! Wenger has been keeping his head down and showing that he can obey the script... will it buy him favours? Will Arsenal be allowed to compete? I would say this is a Kroenke influence to grease the wheels and palms for future seasons... but resulting in some uninspiring and confusing 'football' for the fans who are used to some passion from their team – and anyway, just how many seasons have we left in this shitty little league anyway? They are already lining up Glasgow, Celtic and Cardiff to replace us!

 

Arshavin, it seems, is better that I thought he would be and it is yet to be seen if he is a 'bargaining chip' from Usmanov and the Gazprom Mafiosi... his price in retrospect appears to be a 'snip'... strings have to be attached - and what's the deal with the board and the Lady Bracewell-Smith? Jabba has been toadying around her for some time now... and she has some shares to sell..

 

Which brings us on to the next bit - Usmanov and Kroenke? Ding fucking ding!

 

You ever see the 'two tribes' video from Frankie goes to Hollywood? It'll be something like that... with Wenger on the Microphone and Scudamore, Hackett + the PGMO (and the bookies) standing around in a suited up circle cheering on a winner:

 

Click

 

Yeah – that about sums it up... See you at Stoke game for the party boys - I'll meet you in the Chapman for a pint!?

Every little gesture... told a little truth

Now... when a topic gets onto The Sun discussion board: "Do you reckon the Arsenal v Hull game last night was fixed?" you have to ask yourself... are people starting to twig?

 

OF COURSE IT WAS FIXED!

 

But that's just my humble opinion... this was an interesting game with a dynamic that I managed to predict in the pub pre-match when I found out that it was Riley as the ref and Dean as the fourth official - let me explain. 

 

There was only going to be one winner of this match and that was Arsenal - this is not just that we are a better team than Hull, as that matters not with officials like these - it was because Hull v Chelsea at Wembley for the semi final is a nailed on bore-fest Chav win... this would be bad for the bookies and this would be bad for Setanta... and the FA.  Where as a Arsenal v Chelsea at Wembley would basically be a licence to print money... it would still be a nailed on Chav win as I can't see us getting a fair match but for your average punter this is much more spectacular event... which would be made even more attractive if, perhaps, Chelsea underperformed in the league in the run up?

 

Let's see what the aforementioned Dean gives them tomorrow against Tottenham... will he send off Drogba?  It's almost worth a flutter.

 

Aside aside - that's not the whole story - the mug money for the Arsenal v Hull game was on Arsenal/Arsenal HT/FT as Arsenal (to win) was only offering 1.34 odds wise (on which I lumped on).  The HT/FT bet was offering close to 2.0 pre-match which was far more attractive to both the greedy bettor and the greedier bookie.  I said to Decker and PieFace on the walk up to the stadium that Riley would hold us back first half and let us go in the second... again - the choice of Riley/Dean was interesting as it would have also thrown off the pro-punter as they (Dean and Riley) are, in a lot of pro-punters opinion, Arsenal hating cunts - but, to me, the magic of the cup dictated the result of this match a long time ago.

 

So... let us put ourselves in the mind-set of a certain cretin Mr. Phil Brown, manager of Hull.

 

During the first half as Dean was sat down and chatting to the Hull assistant manager and not even watching the action Phil was grinning from ear to ear as Riley gave Hull everything... they could cheat at will and poor Phil was lulled into the premature conclusion that it was 'in the stars' that he would be taking the mighty Tigers to Wembley... perhaps even for the final! Visions of Hull winning the FA cup flashed through his mind with him being lifted aloft in slow motion by a bunch of burly bricklayers in stripey shirts thrusting the worthless piece of tin skywards. 

 

Watch the replays of the first half - his eyes are misty and moist at what he is seeing.

 

The words to Ottawan's D.I.S.C.O were dancing, contextually modified, across his subconscious in a joyous Yorkshire brogue as foul after foul went in in what was basically a replay of Brown's 'genius' tactics in his first visit to the Emirates... nothing like a 'fair game' eh Phil?

 

Who would blame him for thinking, as the half time whistle blew that this one was 'in the bag'...

 

...but not just him - all over the country the in-play betting market was hotting up.

 

The genius, Phil Brown, in his half time talk obviously failed to spot the inevitability of the situation he would be leading his team into in the second half - an inevitability that, incidentally, a bunch of beered up cynical geezers in the Herbert Chapman sussed out about 1 hour previously.  'It's in the bag lads - more of the same, get stuck into them' - was obviously among the pearls of wisdom dispensed.

 

In the second half Dean stopped socialising and paid far more attention to the game... Riley seemed to have found his contact lenses at half time too and popped them in with miraculous effect.

 

When forced to actually play football Hull are shown up for exactly what they are... i.e. shit.

 

I lost count of the number of yellows that were dished out - it was clear that Riley was looking to send one of them off and Phil, god bless him, made a few tactical substitutions - Riley also flipped out a few random yellow cards for the Arsenal players too, y'kow - just to keep up appearances.

 

The Gallas goal was offside to me - but fuck it, if we'd have had a fair game for 90 minutes it would have been 4-0... I know Wenger claims that the goalie got a fist to it but - nah, offside as anything.

 

It was at this point that the media-savy genius permatan sharp-suited tiger tie celebrity Phil Brown's dreams evaporated and he made possibly the most massive fuckup of his managerial career and in the post match interview 'tittle tattled' to the media his grievances regarding Arsene Wenger and Cesc Fabregas.  Let's ignore the fact that half of what he said was immediately proven to be a bare faced lie and the other half totally unprovable and instead try to fathom the man's motivations in doing this?  In the second interview he gave to a radio station he maintains his stance as his voice literally breaks under the stress at realisation of the enormity of the fuckup he is making.  How can I possibly be angry with him... he's basically just cut off his cock to spite his balls.  Politically this is going to reflect very badly... a manager who cannot be trusted keep his mouth firmly shut about some of the unsavoury realities of the game is not welcome in the EPL.  Think Keane, think Scolari... think Brown.

 

A smug Hull spokesman said yesterday that he was proud that the FA were investigating this (like they were taking it seriously) - today the FA issue Phil with a fine for being a twat in a previous game... the writing is on the wall mate - Arsenal may have fallen out of favour with the game of late but we are still a big pull - Hull, on the other hand, are on a par with pond life with a liability for a manager.

 

Still, if all else fails, the 'cringing embarassment' Phil Brown might get a gig on 'A Question of Sport' as a captain... and he can while away his permatan sharp-suited tiger-tie days wondering where it all went wrong and flirting with that bint who used to play tennis... if would be fitting.

 

Hull relegated... well - I wouldn't bet against it now.

 

Onto the CL draw... what can I say other that Result!  Given that all draws are fixed this bodes well for our chances... although there is now the possibility of a Liverpool v Arsenal final... hmm.

I feel your fists and I know it's out of love

Well... I suppose that I should at least try and write a few things while I'm waiting for the Fonz to duly strap on his water-skis and prepare for this seasons grand finale of EPL-Enders.

Happy days!

I'm going to start by slagging of TalkSport - what a pile of shite... I have been refurbishing my flat and I, bored with painting, decided to find some company in a portable radio - y'know, like a proper prole. I tell you what the torrent of shite that that station puts out is beyond my comprehension - is it a comedy? Is it Parody? Surely... it can't be serious!?

Yesterdays discussions revolved around horse racing tips and a debate on 'how dare those dirty towel heads diss our brave lads'. Then Wrighty came on with this horrible fucking sidekick and talked even more shit... there was a 'what's your favourite computer font' phone in!? Today the action revolved around the Arsenal fans in Rome getting a pasting on the bus... and more horse racing tips - the morning session was all about the dirty I-ties; where as the afternoon session discussed how shit Arsenal were and whether the Arsenal fans were asking for it (a stabbing) - the phone in was 'now you know the facts, are Arsenal fans cunts?' - the justification for this was based on an Italian policeman falling over as an Arsenal fan escaped arrest and subsequent beating in the back of the van... there were no callers unsurprisingly and they moved on to Sepp Blatter and how dare he dictate to us how to play football!

This debate was revealing... particularly with the ambitious sidekick to Wrighty carefully dictating the script in his cockney-wanker 'bloke down the pub' manner. Apparently Sepp has dismissed goal line technology as he wants people to play football - not machines - or something. This was carefully whipped into a Sun meets Daily Mail outrage and spun in a rumplestiltskinesque manner into a debate on how it would be OK if we had an extra helper for the ref on the goal line to keep an eye on the ball rather than a pesky machine - it's poor circuits couldn't keep up with a fast moving ball, apparently, and this was backed up by an email from 'Steve' who reckoned that it wouldn't work. And a few more emails from stooges claiming that a bit of controversy made football interesting and we would have nothing to talk about if the correct refereeing decisions were made all the time. Wrighty just nodded along like a Muppet.

This, of course, is utter fucking bollocks... an extra man to check the goal line and help with penalty decisions simply adds another opportunity for corruption i.e. you can't give an apple mac a backhander and ask it to look the other way in the same way that you can't take a PS3 out, get him laid and then threaten to tell his missus if he didn't make the 'right' decisions in a specified match.

But lets skip back the record to the Roma vs Arsenal game... I'm not sure about you but I suspected foul play (actually it was pretty blatant). The Ref was alright... but Roma... tell me this - how can a team with an average age in it's thirties and carrying several injuries play football for two hours straight and then suddenly start bouncing around like spring lambs? Totti - the cunt - played extra time whilst chewing fucking gum!! ColonelDecker reckons that after 90 minutes the camera panned to the Roma team and the phisio was handing out bottles that they just downed before pulling a face and gurning before the camera flicked away again. When it came to the end of extra time the Arsenal team (with an average age in its early twenties) where on their backs panting and cramping up while the Roma lot were all grinding their teeth and jigging about to an imaginary Kylie tune.

Still justice was done and what an experience for the team to get through... Roma - you tried your best, then cheated and still failed - fuck you.

I couldn't watch the penalties - I just downed my pint and left the Chapman, came home and watched the text stream from the BBC Sport site whist eating a toasted cheese and white onion sandwich... sad - it would have been nice to be in the pub with the fans when Tonetto skied it. Not watching penalties now is officially 'lucky'.

I wouldn't have liked to have been one of the Roma team this morning... waking up in a puddle of cold sweat, paranoid with a minging head and a cock that had shrunk to the size of an acorn... it serves them right.

Fucking losers.

I'm going to skip back now a bit further to the first leg when Roma came to the Emirates. TalkSport were banging on about how Arsenal fans should have known better than to go down the wrong street and meet the Ultras, etc. and generally apologising for hooliganism and encouraging fans of all teams to beat the shit out of any away fan that may inadvertently stray into their local on match day. And this got me thinking - in the first leg the Ultras came to Holloway - they pretty much had the streets pre-match and I could clearly hear their chants in the roads all around my house for hours before kick-off. They were roaming in packs looking for the Arsenal firm with a stripe painted over their eyes and scarves round their faces - very organised. Post match I considered just sprinting home as I knew that there would be trouble... I'm not a coward but those boys don't fuck about - they are stabby and fight like a military campaign. In the end I ended up down the Herbert Chapman with the boys to discuss how shit Roma were and how we should have got 5 passed them.

Then the shit hit the fucking fan.

There was a noise outside and there were running battles up and down the Holloway road between the Arsenal hooligans and the Ultras... there were probably over 100 people involved in this - ColonelDecker's younger brother went out with KeepTheFaith for a look - I stayed back and made escape plans with the Decker in case it all went wrong. Chairs, bottles and bricks flew past the window and, when they ran out of those, the Ultras turned to my local Turkish green grocer for some slightly less effective missiles.

The Decker's younger brother came running in panting: "It's mental out there the bloke next to me just got hit with a fuckin' pineapple!! He went down with all pineapple marks on his face!"
KeepTheFaith produced a white onion and proudly placed it on the pool table... I don't know if it hit him or he caught it.

We decided to really make some quite serious plans... these involved sticking a quid in the pool table and getting the balls out, retiring to the disabled bogs (our appointed "helms deep") and bracing the door while we made 'scum' style I'm-the-daddy sock'n'pool ball head smackers as a last line of defence.

The Ultras then smashed up the McDonald's... which I quite admired them for - if only for a millisecond... then we realised that they only did it to get the metal pavement furniture to use as shields in an operation to storm the Chapman. Luckily for us it was that flimsy aluminium stuff and just bounced and buckled off the windows - but they had made the ground and set about trying to boot the door in... scary shit. The enormous Polish bouncers on the door did well and gathered everyone in and got the whole thing bolted up as they arrived - we then sat tight and waited for the cavalry to come...

...You would think that at this point the Metropolitan Police would make some sort of an appearance?

Nope... they shat it and, i'm informed, decided to wait around the corner until the SPG turned up 15 fucking minutes later!

The cavalry, when it did come, was in the form of the Arsenal firm who re-took the Chapman in a running battle that could either be described as brave, insane or a fucking good night out - depending on your perspective... actually the Arsenal boys were about as scary as the Ultras - massive fuckers and all of them completely twunted on cocaine. They came in bleeding with broken hands and faces, eyes rolling around their heads carrying a fallen comrade. One of them shouted 'Clean up' and those who required 'cleaning up' dragged the fallen comrade to the bogs. We felt no safer in their presence... there is something in the eyes of fighting men, a mixture of adrenaline, fear and testosterone (and class A's) that just exudes a choking and oppressive air of violence to all those around who had the temerity to be absent from the front line. We listened in as they talked of the battle - it was a hard one for the home team and there had been some stabbings by the sound of it.

Ten minutes later they came out of the bogs - cleaned up of blood, clothes straightened and pressing wads of scarlet bog-roll to their wounds. KeepTheFaith peeked in after they came out and saw over 20 discarded cocaine wraps on the floor... the mobile phones then came out and with much chatter the battle lines were re-drawn. They left as quickly as they came... Ultras too - just before the police turned up.

Why do I pay my taxes again?

Some plain clothes boys then strolled in and took the CCTV film and left - all was quiet... I took the onion home - but not before stopping by the grocers to buy some bits and pieces, some cheese and a couple of cans of red stripe to see me to bed.

None of this was reported... anywhere - but it happened right here in England and in a local Home Fans pub - so TalkSport, get your fucking facts straight and talk about sport for a change eh... otherwise why not just change the name to TalkShit!?

But gravity always wins...

Hello again - it's been a while... but I have been busy. Not so busy that I couldn't come here and speak to you all but... well - I've been thinking and I needed some time out to get my shit straight... I was starting to head in the wrong direction - this season has been so weird, it's thrown me.

So, that is where I have been... in deep thought - but why are you here?

Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it the entire season, that there's something wrong with football. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me.

Do you know what I'm talking about?

First let's talk about Arsenal and the chase for a Champions League spot... what has become clear, and I've blogged it, is that we are being kept back and Villa are being assisted (massively assisted). Villa are shit - they would in mid-table obscurity were it not for the run of referee decisions in their favour over the course of the season. They can score with their hand whilst groining the keeper and get a goal... they can foul at will, not just in the midfield but in and around the penalty area too and be rarely punished... when they played Blackburn, for example, Blackburn had two clear penalties not given? Arsenal... well - we have had it against us and when we deviate from the script we are punished. For example Eboue's perfectly legitimate goal against Tottenham was disallowed and then Eboue was sent off the pitch for:

a) Being the best player on it in a game that I can only assume Dean promised 'Arry he would gift him.
b) Being... shall we say 'uppity' - yes, that's the right word I think in this case.

But, that is not everything... let us, for a moment, examine why this is happening and try to fathom out the cause from the effect. Let's say for example that there is a rapey, murdering, heroin dealing gangster from a place where that don't fuck about when it comes to their gangsters who, despite forking out large quantities of cash to erase his criminal past and being utterly ruthless and greedy and the other such 'qualities' to make it big in the modern world, he still desperately needs to legitimise himself as a businessman... Let's suppose that owning a football team will give you that - and open other doors too.

Let's now suppose that there is a man whos ambitions have no ceiling... this man was involved in the club he loved - but he forgot what football was and played out his fantasies in power, politics and money. Arsenal was his way in - a 'power' club and a personal 'power base' that he was instrumental in creating, a club that gave him connections, influence and favours. He was not only instrumental in creating Arsenal's fortunes but also in the creation of the 'Premier League' - still, he missed the boat with Sky preferring to back ITV to televise the games... he never was a very good businessman - more of a gambler who would be prone to stick it all on red... ironic no? This mans personal ambition lost him his seat on the board of the club he claimed to love.

Like a spurned lover he plotted his return...

These two men need each other - but most of all they need Arsenal.

Ok - so that was a nice little fairy tale but lets have a look of the realities of our 'drop in form' with regards to the ongoing takeover attempt by the Usmanov/Dein run Red & White Holdings vehicle... it's interesting in a number of ways - Red & White have offered a consistent high price for Arsenal shares, even in these 'troubled times', and shareholders who were finding themselves short of a few quid would be getting understandably 'twitchy' to sell at the right time... but if Arsenal were to take a tumble out of the top four then it would seem obvious to me that the double whammy of the economic climate and the drop in form would have a destabilising effect on the share price at Arsenal.

Usmanov is at 25% and counting... 5% more to go.

But how, you say, how just how could this be achieved..? Dein was instrumental in setting up the Premiership and instrumental in getting Scudamore his place in it. Dein has contacts... and friends on the inside who may or may not support his agenda for the club... Mr. Arsenal? In Arsene We Trust? Zenit, Arshavin, Gazprom, Jabba the Hutt?

Where do we fit into this?

As a fan - I'm having second thoughts... but wait - what of Kroneke? I'm not sure about him or what he is up to... he's been bigging up the media/merchandising side and, I'm sure you've noticed, been ramming the Arsenal TV subscriptions and the "It's up for grabs now" memorabilia down our necks all season - which brings me on to the next thing, and I'm trying to keep it short - so I will - bear with me.

You may have noticed that the EPL's climaxes have been steadily more orgasmic with each season... this is the brand that is flagging and desperately needs a 'blue LED' or two slapped on it to keep the punters buying - this season it looks like Manchester United are running away with the title... oh there's the heavily engineered relegation battle and the UEFA cup and Champions League spots to wank over in excitement as it 'goes to the wire' - but this all would be a bit shit (in the eyes of the brainwashed, pill popping monkeys who subscribe to Sky) if Man U won with three games to go... subscriptions might well be cancelled. Not only that but SkyBet and all the other bookmaking entities would be left without the massive influx of mug money that they all budgeted for this season.

So... what to do - what to do...

OK - Manchester United require a fucking for the run-in... ok - job done and let's say, as it's the 20th anniversary of the Hillsborough disaster (and sentimentality sells baby), Liverpool need to get within touching distance of Man U - so more blatant cheating to come there then... that should bring it 'to the wire' but - I think we saw that all before last season with Chelsea didn't we?

Yeah - BOR-ING! We need something else...

...OK - what if we engineer a situation with the fixtures in which the Liverpool V Arsenal match has to be cancelled until the end of the season... let's say the FA cup (give Arsenal an easy run to that point then ensure Chelsea fuck them because Chelsea are going to win it anyway but it'll be a great draw Arsenal v Chelsea @ Wembley followed by the Chelsea v Manchester United clash that was always going to be the final... ahh - the magic of the cup) - but as a backup i.e. if we don't beat Hull (no really, with the pitch tilted in Arsenal's favour Hull are getting beat but just in case the team lay down and score own goals we need a backup) the Liverpool CL game (if they beat Real Madrid) is on the anniversary of the aforementioned Hillsborough disaster and Liverpool request that it gets re-scheduled (when they beat Real Madrid) for a remembrance day or something... yeah like Benitez and the yanks - they give a shit about the fans or the city!?

UEFA are still 'deciding' - (or waiting until Hull are assuredly fucked and Liverpool beat Real Madrid) before making a decision on this... but it is this rather obvious 'backup' plan that made us think... this was a theory that I had been nursing for a while in one way or another and... well - I'll continue.

Still, so - what would be in it for us eh? There's no point in us knocking our pipes out to fuck Liverpool over in the last game in the season simply to gift the title to Man U - so there has to be something tangible in it for us if we win... to make it 'exciting'.

It's 4th spot - obviously... the game would be huge as it would directly engage 4 different and massive fan bases: Arsenal, Aston Villa, Liverpool and Manchester United.

Not only that but Sky could milk the historical significance of the game i.e. 20 years ago to the day (assuming that neither Arsenal or Liverpool make it to the CL final) that Arsenal won the title on goal difference on the last game of the season against Liverpool to further wank-up the frenzy of excitement.

This would not be real in any sense - this would be a facsimile of a title race that, in it's genuine excitement will never be repeated... ever.

Shall we say that Liverpool will need a win to win the title and Arsenal a win to get 4th spot?

Horny... I'm getting hard just thinking about it - aren't you?

This theory was brought to you by the collective... myself and ColonelDecker discussed this scenario in the Herbert Chapman after the Burnley game (I nearly wept when Eboue scored and Eduardo's goal was so damn beautiful) - how we drank overpriced match day beer and laughed at that ridiculousness of it all, to be honest I wouldn't have mentioned it but - today as we were fine tuning it and checking out the fixture list - the fixture list literally changed in front of our eyes:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/teams/a/arsenal/fixtures/default.stm

You will notice, unless they 'fixed it' that the game on the 19th of April is displayed thus:

Sunday, 19 April 2009

Barclays Premier League

Liverpool OFF Arsenal, 16:00

Here's the conversation if you're interested:

DogFace: Decker

ColonelDecker: chow

DogFace: how goes the conspiracy :)

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/teams/l/liverpool/7897769.stm

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/teams/l/liverpool/fixtures/default.stm

ColonelDecker: it all adds up

DogFace: Hmmm.... not quite

if - and it''s a big if the liverpool/arsenal game is postponed to the end of the season - what will we be playing for to wrap up another EPL season in and orgasmic fake climax of cash?

ColonelDecker: 4th

ColonelDecker: they are building up the cost of qualifying

ColonelDecker: just the fact of a midweek last game of the season will create 10x the interest.

ColonelDecker: why has our game on the 19th been called off already?

DogFace: hang on

DogFace: it hasn't...

ColonelDecker: wait a second, why does the bbc fixtures say it's off on the 19th

DogFace: That's under the radar... fuck me - that's just changed, like in the last 5 minutes!

DogFace: it didn't say OFF before!?

ColonelDecker: the 19th is the weekend of the semi's but we are not in the semi's yet

DogFace: I hit refresh and it changed

DogFace: they're watching us...

ColonelDecker: hahaha

ColonelDecker: so if we go out to Hull

ColonelDecker: liverpool and us will be what?

ColonelDecker: scratching our arses for the weekend?

DogFace: hang on - when we playing Hull?

ColonelDecker: Next Tuesday night

ColonelDecker: QF!

DogFace: yeah, right ...SO... why is the game off now?

ColonelDecker:??????????????????????

DogFace: surely they should wait until we beat hull?

ColonelDecker: Maybe we already have

DogFace: shit, I missed it!

DogFace: hahahha

DogFace: and Liverpool have to beat Real or hang on

DogFace: yeah, to get their game postponed to the 15th of april to double ensure that the Liverpool/Arsenal game is knocked on

DogFace: Hull are getting fucked my son! no two ways about it! lump the fuck on!

ColonelDecker: leg 1 CLQF 7/8 Apr

ColonelDecker: Leg 2 14/15th

ColonelDecker: Semi Leg1 apr 28/29

ColonelDecker: semi leg 2 may 5/6

ColonelDecker: final 27 may

DogFace: is there any chance that we could get Liverpool if we went to the final?

ColonelDecker: yes

ColonelDecker: any one can draw anyone after this round

DogFace: I think we're onto something man - we need to dig a bit... you really think it'll be a battle for 4th?

ColonelDecker: what else would it be?

DogFace: Liverpool for the title?

ColonelDecker: it would be impossible to make up 15pts in 10 games

DogFace: only for us to fuck them

ColonelDecker: what if liverpool have to win 2-0 against us to win the league?????

DogFace: it's possible...

ColonelDecker: on goal difference

DogFace: in that case we could get fucked.

DogFace: NO, Wait!

DogFace: us for 4th spot

DogFace: Liverpol for the league

ColonelDecker: they'd have to make up 10 goals on United

DogFace: head to head

ColonelDecker: 2pts behind

ColonelDecker: must win

DogFace: yes

ColonelDecker: ooooooooooh!

DogFace: spectacular enough?

ColonelDecker: its got me exited

DogFace: I have the horn

ColonelDecker: I can see the build up now

DogFace: me too - they can milk this and have enough left over to make some fucking cheese!

ColonelDecker: 'FERGIE IN TACTICAL CHAT WITH WENGER AFTER OLD TRAFFORD DEFEAT'

ColonelDecker: How much will Hansen etc be charging for exclusive interviews???

DogFace: oh my - quite a lot I would think... and just reward for him to for all the bullshit and misinformation he's shat through our screens over the years

ColonelDecker: exactomondo! ;-)

DogFace: it's up for grabs now Hansen!!!

Of course this is all just a theory... we could be wrong - we often are... it wears me out - this fake plastic league.